Joy cometh in the morning

The scripture in Psalms 30:5 has been floating through my mind the last month or so.

"...weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning."

This week I have felt so much better. I even walked a mile and half this morning. Couldn't run though :( But, hopefully I can work back up to it. I didn't even take zofran today and I didn't throw up! And, I was able to cook dinner tonight, first time in 2 months! Again, this has been a difficult trial for me, but joy came this morning :)

Lately Charles and I have been devouring every article we can on being Mormon and gay. We feel strongly about the issue. Charles has spent the last month doing rotations at the HIV clinic and has had numerous gay patients with HIV. I feel that one of my callings in life is to defend the family. That is one of the reasons I majored in Marriage, Family, Human Development at BYU. We are finding out that more and more of our friends from BYU are gay. I dated a guy my freshman year who is now gay. We wrote each other on our missions. I care deeply about him. I want to understand this issue.

However, I know it's impossible to completely understand all of the answers of something so complex as homosexuality in this life. Right now in mortality we see through a glass darkly and do not know the meaning of all things. One day "all now mysterious shall be bright at last."

In my readings I have been disturbed by many things and this is one of them:

"Sometimes, perhaps, a lot of the time, our homosexual loved ones will choose to love as they feel naturally inclined, in same-sex relationships.  I believe that they are choosing joy.  I’ve known too many gay men and women personally who have attempted either celibacy or relationships with the opposite sex, because of their strong testimonies of the church, and they DO NOT experience joy.

Men are that they might have joy.

Members of the church who have never deviated from the church’s teachings expect the reward of joy in return.  Gay members who have never deviated from the teachings of the church expect the same.  Many times they do not find it.  So they choose another path, and many times that path, living true to their orientation, keeps them from committing suicide.  Because they have finally experienced joy." [source]

I believe that wickedness never was happiness and that we do not experience joy by breaking God's commandments. I believe that true joy comes from doing what is right, by being obedient to God's laws and keeping our covenants.

We can experience joy through our trials. I have felt joy through mine. No, not deeply, but more of a hope that greater joy is on it's way if I can hang on. Which leads me to Psalms 30:5. Mortality is difficult. It is full of disappointment and despair. Some people are born with same-sex attraction and don't want it. They want families. They pray, they fast, they plead with the Lord to take it away. And He doesn't. They weep through the night. But, joy cometh in the morning.

When is the morning? It may not be until the morning of the first resurrection! But, joy will come for them, if they can hold on. If they can continue in obedience and be faithful to the covenants they have made, joy will come. True joy and peace. "...not as the world giveth, give I unto you." I have faith in that. Just as I have faith that my single heterosexual friends will one day be married and have the children they desire. They weep too. They have sexual desires that they want fulfilled. However, they are living a life of celibacy until they find the one. And their joy cometh in the morning.

Homosexuals are children of God and He has a plan for them. He loves them deeply for they are well-acquainted with sorrow and grief just as the Savior Himself was. We, in the church need to understand that it's okay to have homosexual feelings for some. That is a part of who they are (though it doesn't have to define them). However, it is never okay to act on those feelings. That is the difference. How can we be accepting of who they are, without supporting the act of homosexuality? Thoughts?

Here are 2 amazing articles of gay members of the church who are living the commandments if you haven't read them yet.

We have a 5 yr old?!

5 is such a huge milestone for both the child and the parent. Azure has been talking about going to school since she was 2! We've both been looking forward to her going to kindergarten. Me mostly because I envisioned her at a Spanish immersion school. Funny how plans change. We are staying in Savannah and there are no Spanish immersion schools here. There are actually only 3 good schools in this entire city. GA is one of the worst states for public schools. Sigh.

If we end up buying a house in a good school district then Azure will attend kindergarten in the Fall. If not, we're homeschooling- out of necessity. Hopefully only for kindergarten. We plan to apply to all the magnet schools for 1st grade.

Azure has been such a wonderful helper to me during this pregnancy. Some mornings I have laid in bed only getting up to dispose of the breakfast Charles made and brought to me in the toilet. Vince would wake up and insist on eating. Some days I just didn't have the strength to make him breakfast. I would ask Azure to pour him a bowl of cereal and she would. She even poured the milk! She would get him in his seat, put his bib on him, and snap on his tray. When he was done she would clean him off with wipes, take his bib off, unsnap his tray and then entertain him for me.

She is the sweetest! She has also said many times to me, "Mommy, I wish I could cook for you." And, "Mommy, I wish I could be big enough to wash the dishes for you." She also made Vince many PB sandwiches for lunch. I don't know what I would have done without her help.

Last week for Father's Day she sang, "I'm so glad when Daddy comes home" in Sacrament meeting. She was supposed to sing with 3 other girls but, they all had stage fright and didn't sing. So, it was a solo. And she did a wonderful job! I hope she stays confident in her vocal abilities.

Since the end of May she has been using her carseat as a booster with the lap belt instead of the harness.

She is reading up a storm now and can read the Level 3 books all on her own! We are doing a reading program through our local library where you track the hours you read to get prizes. She reads at least 15 mins a day on her own just flying through books. Her favorite was Frog and Toad All Year. I was just mesmerized listening to her read the entire book alone (it contains 4 or 5 stories within the book). She liked it so much that she read it from beginning to end without stopping. It took her about 30 mins. I am so impressed and proud!

I taught her how to subtract months ago but, we took a break from it and so she had forgotten. Once she relearned it (she resisted at first and insisted she couldn't do it) she was so pleased with herself that she did about 5 pages of subtraction problems in 2 days while I was napping. It is very fulfilling to see her mind working as she figures things out.

Birthday Girl

Last week she attended art camp and came back with some really great pieces of art that are currently taped to our wall in our dinning room. She says she wants to be an artist and go to art school. She does have real talent so we hope to encourage it and give her more opportunities like art camp and private lessons in the future.

She gets mad very easily so I am intentionally trying to not get mad so easily myself at her or at anything because clearly she has gotten this from me (and Charles ;) That will be a life-long endeavor. Wish us luck!

Her testimony of the gospel is growing and she has a real interest in our nightly family scripture study. She loves to sing Primary songs and seems to understand the principles they teach. After learning "Nephi's Courage" she commented on how she too, can be courageous like Nephi when she's scared. Sometimes she'll tell me about Joseph Smith's first vision or Moses crossing the Red Sea. I'll play devil's advocate sometimes and ask her how she knows those things happened.
"Well, I was in heaven and I saw it happen."
"That's true, but do you remember?"
"No."
"How do you know then?"
Pause. Thinking. "Because I feel it's true in my heart."
"Me too. I can feel it."

I can't believe 5 yrs ago Charles and I were just starting the journey of parenthood. It was rough. We have learned so much and know we have even more to learn. We're so grateful for our sweet Azure Marie. We need her just as much as she needs us. We love you, Cub!

The latest and greatest

Big news around here folks.

First, Charles finally found a job. We've been looking for months now. He was offered a special position here in Savannah at the hospital he's been doing his residency at. Special because it's 2 separate part-time jobs formed into one with benefits. Yay! Apparently the Lord wants us to stay in Savannah as much as we've tried to leave. But, it's ok, we like Savannah. We don't love it, but we are excited to stay!

Second, because we are staying here for probably at least 4 more years- we are going to buy our first home! We have a lot to learn but, home ownership is something I've been looking forward to since the beginning of our marriage.

Third, we got to hear our baby's heartbeat this morning. There's something so sacred and reassuring about that sound. Hearing the heartbeat helps me to start feeling bonded to the baby. Because I'm always so sick at the beginning it's hard for me to bond and feel that I'm really pregnant, more like I just have a debilitating disease.

I'm feeling slightly better. Hopefully soon blogging will be more regular again.

Catch up

A couple days last week I just laid in bed and threw up while the kids watched hours upon hours of movies and PBS Kids. Ugh. I hate days like that.

So, I am posting some of our fun, family outings that we did before the onset of this illness to remind me that I actually do get my kids out of the house to do fun things.

Like celebrate Earth Day! We picked up trash in our neighborhood for Family Home Evening. Azure loved it so much she wanted to pick up trash everyday afterwards.

Vince just chilled in the stroller since we were close to the road.

We went strawberry picking at Ottawa Farms on April 28th. That was the first day I started taking zofran.

This cute girl wanted to wear her strawberry shirt to the strawberry fields.

I should mention how my heart went out to Anna and Nick Fillipello (my great, great grandparents) who were strawberry pickers in Independence, LA when they first came from Sicily. It is NOT an easy task to pick strawberries in the blazing heat. And they did it all day long. Bless them.

Playing in the backyard.

 And that's all I have time for now.

Sweet and bitter

Most of you will remember my post about my miscarriage back in January. And you might remember the revelation I received about having that same spirit in my arms by the following Christmas. I wrote:

"The nurse asked me when I had had a positive pregnancy test. "Christmas morning," I replied. She turned her head to look at me and sighed, "Oh, I'm so sorry." I was touched by her empathy and as tears filled my eyes I had the thought that by next Christmas we would have our baby- that the tears of sorrow I had shed would be restored to tears of rejoicing next Christmas as I would have that same spirit in my arms."

I wanted to have faith that it was indeed the Lord that put that thought into my mind but, I doubted that maybe it was just me, that I made it up because I wanted it to be true. The day came for me to take a pregnancy test. If it was negative, then I had made it up. To my shock, it was negative. It seemed like it would be perfect timing for so many reasons including the fact that we would be going on a cruise right during the time my morning sickness would be at it's worst, to help me take my mind off it all. (The Lord has always provided a major trip for me during my sicknesses to help me manage. With Azure, I went to San Francisco for a work trip. With Vince I filmed the Generations Project and went to Girls Camp for a week AND stayed at Charles' parents for a month which meant I didn't have to cook. That was the best!)

I just couldn't understand. The next day we went on a mini field trip downtown with Theresa and her kids to visit some of the historic squares and make a trip to the Savannah Bee. One of the squares had a fountain, so feeling like a fun mom that day I gave each child a penny, including one for me and Theresa too, and told everyone to make a wish.

The next day Azure and I were in the kitchen and she mentioned something about the baby and then said very sincerely, “Mom, that’s what I wished for with my penny.” I was completely overcome. “You wished that I would have a baby in my tummy?” I asked close to tears. “Yes.” “So, did I Cub.”

A couple days later I took another pregnancy test and it was positive! Talk about an emotional rollercoaster week! My due date is Dec. 21, Azure's half birthday, 4 days before Christmas. I am usually late but, because I felt the baby would be born by Christmas I am hoping no later than Dec. 25. 

I was very nervous waiting to feel sick. When my first wave of nausea hit a couple days before my 6 wk mark, I was very grateful because I knew it meant the baby was okay. But, this is still a very hard time for me. I have been throwing up everyday for the past week now. And every other day since May 1st. Gratefully the most I've thrown up is twice in one day. I have what is known as Hyperemesis Gravidarum but, it is controlled with zofran. If I wasn't taking zofran I would be in pretty bad shape and would most likely have to be hospitalized. 

I start throwing up within an hour if I skip a dose. I cannot cook. Cooking meals makes me throw up. I have to eat out everyday for lunch and dinner. It gets really expensive. The first trimester when I was pregnant with Azure was one of the darkest, most depressing times of my life. It has gotten a little better each time because of zofran and because I know what to expect. 90% of the times I throw up is psychological. That is how I got interested in hypnosis because I started associating everyday tasks with throwing up and sure enough when I did those things I imagined, I would throw up. 

Of course, when we were on the cruise I didn't throw up at all because I had all kinds of yummy food at my discretion laid out in front of me that I could eat anytime I wanted. And because I was relaxed and enjoying myself with Charles without children! When we got off the boat I started to worry about where we would eat next. I also started thinking about taking care of the children again and how demanding that was and wondering what the house was going to smell like when I walked in. Vomiting for me is definitely a product of anxiety. When we finally stopped for lunch I threw up. 

I know everyone experiences morning sickness differently. Some women have it even worse than me and experience it the whole 9 months. My heart goes out to them. I know some women who just feel nauseous and never throw up who have told me, "I wish I could throw up because then it would make me feel better." I will tell you that throwing up does not make me feel better. This is pregnancy, not the flu. The nausea doesn't go away. Throwing up everyday is emotionally, physically, and spiritually draining. 

I take comfort in knowing that this will end soon. I also take comfort in knowing that my Savior knows exactly what this feels like, even as a man. And that because I have covenanted with Him and Charles to bring children into this world that He will not leave me comfortless in that endeavor. The more I sacrifice for those I love, the more I love them. As crappy as this is some days, I do glory in my body and the miracle that we can have another child. Azure talks about her all the time (she is convinced it is a girl) and she already loves her so, so, much. As do I and Charles. And I'm sure Vince too even though he is oblivious to this all. It is overwhelming to think about how much this little baby will be loved right from the beginning. It will be the best Christmas present ever!

Traveling updates

Time is getting away from me it seems.

Charles' parents came to visit! It was the first time his Dad met Vince! We went to Disneyworld. And we're heading to the Bahamas tomorrow for our anniversary cruise, without the kids of course.

Just a quick update on Vince... He's been going down the stairs feet first, instead of sliding backwards for about a month now. He is talking more. He is extremely vocal and loud. I wonder if it is a boy thing. Azure was never that loud. He will constantly repeat whatever it is that he is saying until you repeat him. It drives me absolutely crazy. But, at the same time I look down at him and see his bright, blue eyes and his blonde, curly surfer locks and I can usually dismiss my frustration and just think about how dang cute he is!

And we have even more exciting news. Check out our new ticker up top ;) More details when we get back. We will be having our Christmas miracle and we couldn't be more thrilled though, of course I am feeling like crap. So grateful for Zofran.

Oh, and I haven't made the announcement on Facebook yet, so please make your congratulatory comments here and not there. Thanks!

Springtime Festivities

March and April have been filled with at least one trip to the beach each week on average. Unfortunately Charles has only gone with us one of those times. Less than 2 months now and we are done with this residency. Hallelujah!

The weather has been really nice. Except for when it's gone from 60' one day to 90' the next. That's hard on my sinuses. Let it go on the record how much I love beach weather and how much I love living in a coastal city. I do miss mountains, but if I had to chose between the two, I choose the beach.

Let me go further on a tangent and say that I believe this runs deeper than just personal preference. I truly believe that my love for warmth and the coast is engrained in my DNA. Having ancestors from both islands (Sicily and Cuba) and peninsulas (Spain and France) confirms that I am just not equipped to live too far from a warm coast :)

 

As much as we've gone to the beach, I haven't once brought the camera. Already too much stuff to pack, don't wanna get sand in it.

We even made a trip to Hilton Head complete with swimming and ice cream. Funnest beach trip yet!

I ran another 5K with the young men and women in our ward. It wasn't measured right though so it was more like 2.5 miles instead of 3.1. My new goal in regards to running is to place in a 5K. I still have no desire to ever run a marathon. I prefer speed over endurance. Does that say something about my character? Probably :)

For our preschool group on April 3rd we took the kids (plus more) to our local fire station.  They were more interested in riding the mechanical fire truck than the real one. Typical! It was a lot of fun. Our next trip I think will be to Publix, our favorite grocery store.

Hurry, hurry, drive that fire truck!

Later that night Lindz and I went to the Savannah Music Festival and saw Chris Thile, an amazing mandolin player and singer. I had never heard of him before but, I was swooning by the end of the night. And it wasn't his good looks (he kinda looks like a werewolf!), it was his amazing musical talent. It was such a fun girl's night! After seeing live shows I always chastise myself for not going to them more often. Of all art forms, expressing oneself through music touches me the most. Good, quality, music.

The next day we took a trip to the Botanical Gardens with our adopted grandmother, Lessie Anderson who is 92.

 Before we got there she insisted on buying them some candy. They chose lollipops. Somehow Vince fell in a small pond. Azure was screaming for me and he emerged with leaves and moss on his shirt and a small lilly pad on his head. He seemed a little shocked, but not too shaken up, as he was clutching his lollipop with a tight fist. Once he saw me and realized everything was okay, he stuck it back in his mouth.

I don't know how deep it was but, the very top of his head was wet.

One night after Azure went to bed, I walked up the stairs to see this. It made me cry. I had been having a hard day and this really made me feel loved.

 Then I snuck in her room and took this while she was sleeping.

We saw baby chicks at the hatchery the week before Easter.

And there's more...to be continued.