Joy cometh in the morning

The scripture in Psalms 30:5 has been floating through my mind the last month or so.

"...weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning."

This week I have felt so much better. I even walked a mile and half this morning. Couldn't run though :( But, hopefully I can work back up to it. I didn't even take zofran today and I didn't throw up! And, I was able to cook dinner tonight, first time in 2 months! Again, this has been a difficult trial for me, but joy came this morning :)

Lately Charles and I have been devouring every article we can on being Mormon and gay. We feel strongly about the issue. Charles has spent the last month doing rotations at the HIV clinic and has had numerous gay patients with HIV. I feel that one of my callings in life is to defend the family. That is one of the reasons I majored in Marriage, Family, Human Development at BYU. We are finding out that more and more of our friends from BYU are gay. I dated a guy my freshman year who is now gay. We wrote each other on our missions. I care deeply about him. I want to understand this issue.

However, I know it's impossible to completely understand all of the answers of something so complex as homosexuality in this life. Right now in mortality we see through a glass darkly and do not know the meaning of all things. One day "all now mysterious shall be bright at last."

In my readings I have been disturbed by many things and this is one of them:

"Sometimes, perhaps, a lot of the time, our homosexual loved ones will choose to love as they feel naturally inclined, in same-sex relationships.  I believe that they are choosing joy.  I’ve known too many gay men and women personally who have attempted either celibacy or relationships with the opposite sex, because of their strong testimonies of the church, and they DO NOT experience joy.

Men are that they might have joy.

Members of the church who have never deviated from the church’s teachings expect the reward of joy in return.  Gay members who have never deviated from the teachings of the church expect the same.  Many times they do not find it.  So they choose another path, and many times that path, living true to their orientation, keeps them from committing suicide.  Because they have finally experienced joy." [source]

I believe that wickedness never was happiness and that we do not experience joy by breaking God's commandments. I believe that true joy comes from doing what is right, by being obedient to God's laws and keeping our covenants.

We can experience joy through our trials. I have felt joy through mine. No, not deeply, but more of a hope that greater joy is on it's way if I can hang on. Which leads me to Psalms 30:5. Mortality is difficult. It is full of disappointment and despair. Some people are born with same-sex attraction and don't want it. They want families. They pray, they fast, they plead with the Lord to take it away. And He doesn't. They weep through the night. But, joy cometh in the morning.

When is the morning? It may not be until the morning of the first resurrection! But, joy will come for them, if they can hold on. If they can continue in obedience and be faithful to the covenants they have made, joy will come. True joy and peace. "...not as the world giveth, give I unto you." I have faith in that. Just as I have faith that my single heterosexual friends will one day be married and have the children they desire. They weep too. They have sexual desires that they want fulfilled. However, they are living a life of celibacy until they find the one. And their joy cometh in the morning.

Homosexuals are children of God and He has a plan for them. He loves them deeply for they are well-acquainted with sorrow and grief just as the Savior Himself was. We, in the church need to understand that it's okay to have homosexual feelings for some. That is a part of who they are (though it doesn't have to define them). However, it is never okay to act on those feelings. That is the difference. How can we be accepting of who they are, without supporting the act of homosexuality? Thoughts?

Here are 2 amazing articles of gay members of the church who are living the commandments if you haven't read them yet.

We have a 5 yr old?!

5 is such a huge milestone for both the child and the parent. Azure has been talking about going to school since she was 2! We've both been looking forward to her going to kindergarten. Me mostly because I envisioned her at a Spanish immersion school. Funny how plans change. We are staying in Savannah and there are no Spanish immersion schools here. There are actually only 3 good schools in this entire city. GA is one of the worst states for public schools. Sigh.

If we end up buying a house in a good school district then Azure will attend kindergarten in the Fall. If not, we're homeschooling- out of necessity. Hopefully only for kindergarten. We plan to apply to all the magnet schools for 1st grade.

Azure has been such a wonderful helper to me during this pregnancy. Some mornings I have laid in bed only getting up to dispose of the breakfast Charles made and brought to me in the toilet. Vince would wake up and insist on eating. Some days I just didn't have the strength to make him breakfast. I would ask Azure to pour him a bowl of cereal and she would. She even poured the milk! She would get him in his seat, put his bib on him, and snap on his tray. When he was done she would clean him off with wipes, take his bib off, unsnap his tray and then entertain him for me.

She is the sweetest! She has also said many times to me, "Mommy, I wish I could cook for you." And, "Mommy, I wish I could be big enough to wash the dishes for you." She also made Vince many PB sandwiches for lunch. I don't know what I would have done without her help.

Last week for Father's Day she sang, "I'm so glad when Daddy comes home" in Sacrament meeting. She was supposed to sing with 3 other girls but, they all had stage fright and didn't sing. So, it was a solo. And she did a wonderful job! I hope she stays confident in her vocal abilities.

Since the end of May she has been using her carseat as a booster with the lap belt instead of the harness.

She is reading up a storm now and can read the Level 3 books all on her own! We are doing a reading program through our local library where you track the hours you read to get prizes. She reads at least 15 mins a day on her own just flying through books. Her favorite was Frog and Toad All Year. I was just mesmerized listening to her read the entire book alone (it contains 4 or 5 stories within the book). She liked it so much that she read it from beginning to end without stopping. It took her about 30 mins. I am so impressed and proud!

I taught her how to subtract months ago but, we took a break from it and so she had forgotten. Once she relearned it (she resisted at first and insisted she couldn't do it) she was so pleased with herself that she did about 5 pages of subtraction problems in 2 days while I was napping. It is very fulfilling to see her mind working as she figures things out.

Birthday Girl

Last week she attended art camp and came back with some really great pieces of art that are currently taped to our wall in our dinning room. She says she wants to be an artist and go to art school. She does have real talent so we hope to encourage it and give her more opportunities like art camp and private lessons in the future.

She gets mad very easily so I am intentionally trying to not get mad so easily myself at her or at anything because clearly she has gotten this from me (and Charles ;) That will be a life-long endeavor. Wish us luck!

Her testimony of the gospel is growing and she has a real interest in our nightly family scripture study. She loves to sing Primary songs and seems to understand the principles they teach. After learning "Nephi's Courage" she commented on how she too, can be courageous like Nephi when she's scared. Sometimes she'll tell me about Joseph Smith's first vision or Moses crossing the Red Sea. I'll play devil's advocate sometimes and ask her how she knows those things happened.
"Well, I was in heaven and I saw it happen."
"That's true, but do you remember?"
"No."
"How do you know then?"
Pause. Thinking. "Because I feel it's true in my heart."
"Me too. I can feel it."

I can't believe 5 yrs ago Charles and I were just starting the journey of parenthood. It was rough. We have learned so much and know we have even more to learn. We're so grateful for our sweet Azure Marie. We need her just as much as she needs us. We love you, Cub!

The latest and greatest

Big news around here folks.

First, Charles finally found a job. We've been looking for months now. He was offered a special position here in Savannah at the hospital he's been doing his residency at. Special because it's 2 separate part-time jobs formed into one with benefits. Yay! Apparently the Lord wants us to stay in Savannah as much as we've tried to leave. But, it's ok, we like Savannah. We don't love it, but we are excited to stay!

Second, because we are staying here for probably at least 4 more years- we are going to buy our first home! We have a lot to learn but, home ownership is something I've been looking forward to since the beginning of our marriage.

Third, we got to hear our baby's heartbeat this morning. There's something so sacred and reassuring about that sound. Hearing the heartbeat helps me to start feeling bonded to the baby. Because I'm always so sick at the beginning it's hard for me to bond and feel that I'm really pregnant, more like I just have a debilitating disease.

I'm feeling slightly better. Hopefully soon blogging will be more regular again.