Trust and timing

The next post up is Christmas Eve & Christmas Day. However, there is a story that needs to be told before I post it.

It is an extremely personal story. I feel I need to share it. I hope it will help comfort someone in the future. Indeed, I have been comforted because of posts such as these recently. I understand that everyone's situation is different and in no way do I feel that the answers I've received from the Lord are universal.

When Azure was about 3 months old I stayed up late one night while she and Charles were asleep and started writing a document called "Conception Plan". You may find that comical as I do now. But, of course I didn't then. I am a planner. I pulled up the calendar and mapped out when to conceive our next 3 unborn children.

I wrote: "Baby #2 Conceive in May 2009, born Feb. 2010"

When this plan turned out to be a very real reality I gave thanks for our great fertility. Of course, I know that plans don't always work out, but I feel part of "if ye are prepared ye shall not fear" includes making a plan.

Truth be told- as the conception date was approaching for baby #3 I wasn’t feeling ready. I didn’t thrill at the thought of moving with a newborn or moving 9 months pregnant trying to find an OB in a city I wasn’t familiar with to support a VBAC.  Vince was so whiny and clingy. He screamed every time I left the room. I couldn’t even go to the bathroom most days without a screaming protest. (He still does that by the way, just not as often.) Having another baby was the not at the top of my list.

We went to the temple seeking confirmation. Both times the feeling was undeniable. Yes, we were to have another baby regardless.

Then other responsibilities got added to our plate. I started to doubt again. How would we be able to handle all these things while I'm throwing up and laying in bed for 3 months straight?! Slowly the Lord replaced all these doubts with faith and filled our hearts with love. Our circumstances didn't change, but we changed. We became giddy at the thought of having another baby.

To make a long story short(er) my conception plan failed the 3^rd time around. The month came and went with a negative pregnancy test. Every month that followed loomed an unknown. I tracked my ovulation each month and made plans. Every month the plan changed. Surely the Lord was teaching me to (once again!) trust in His timing.

I felt kind of like Abraham. The Lord knew all along that he would be willing to sacrifice Issac. Abraham, however did not know. The test of faith was for me, not the Lord. I felt I could see the reasons why it wasn’t happening and I accepted them.

I also continually asked myself, "Why do we even want more children when the 2 we have drive us completely crazy?!" But, yet I knew it was right for us. Isn't that a strange phenomenon?!

It’s still hard for me to give up my sense of control. I didn’t want our remaining children to be more than 2 yrs apart in school. I don’t really know why but, I didn’t. I also have always despised the idea of having a baby during the holidays.

On Dec. 22 (the anniversary of our engagement) Azure and I were snuggling on the couch together after watching Home Alone (our advent activity for the day). I was about to accompany her upstairs to her bed when she got a huge grin on her face. At first I had no idea why she was smiling, but then all the sudden I knew why. It's one of those moments where time seems to stop and you know you need to relish it because it's a sacred moment.

"What?" I asked, smiling and feeling pretty confident of what she would answer.

"I think I just felt [the name of our next girl] in your tummy."

It was very tender. I felt it a gift that the Lord revealed to both of us, at the exact same time, that I was pregnant before it was confirmed. I love sharing moments like that with her. She is very close to the spirit and a very sensitive, observant child. Quick to observe.

I wanted to wait until Christmas morning to take the test. "Wouldn't that be such a fun Christmas surprise?!" I hesitated a little because I didn't want to be depressed if it were negative yet again, but I felt that if it was, I would be able to handle it.

Sure enough Azure was right! I wrapped the pregnancy test up as a present for Charlie. We had decided to only open stockings before church and presents afterwards so when I handed it to him, he declined saying that he'd wait till we got home. I was feeling too anxious to wait any longer, I had already known for about 2 hours and I was dying! I insisted.

I loved watching his face as he realized what it was. His genuine infectious smile spread across his face. A chuckle. And that gleam in his eyes.

On the morning of Dec. 26 I was determined as a bee to get our freezer packed full of meals before the first wave of nausea and vomiting hit. I slaved away in the kitchen for a total of about 24 hours during the following weeks. It felt good to be so productive. I had so much to show for my work.

But, then the wave never came. And my protruding stomach stopped protruding. "Something must be wrong," I thought. But, almost 2 weeks went by without any spotting. "Maybe I'm just not going to be sick this time."

I tried to stop worrying about not being sick and enjoy not being sick. And then last Saturday night, Jan. 14, I started spotting. It's hard to describe all the feelings I felt. So many things.

I got down on my knees and cried my heart out to my Heavenly Father. I could hear Azure and Vince laughing downstairs as they played with Charlie getting ready to watch Stuart Little. I gave thanks for the two healthy, happy children I did have and prayed that if it could be His will that the baby would be okay.

Charles gave me a blessing after we put the kids to bed. I don't remember all that he said but, I do remember feeling that I had a choice in how I was going to accept this. He said I had already laid the foundation. I remember feeling grief at these words because to me it meant the baby was, in fact gone.

I went to bed feeling terrified. A couple of friends of mine had had painful contractions with their miscarriages. My mind flashed back to the night before Azure was born- a lonely, painful night. And the night my labor started with Vince- again lonely and painful (though bearable- i hate back labor). I didn't want to pass a similar night. Especially since I wasn't going to get a baby out of it.

I sang "Abide with Me 'Tis  Eventide" in my head and felt peace. I knew the Lord loved me and would get me through. I woke up a few times during the night with cramping, but not contractions.

The next morning, still unsure of what was really going on, I found that I was bleeding, not spotting. The next few hours I wrestled with the Lord in between sleeping. My cramping and bleeding felt like a physical representation of the turmoil I was feeling inside of me. My whole being. In my heart, my mind, my uterus.

I finally got out of bed. My angry, bitter tears were all used up and I started to calm down. I felt like I needed to write down what I was feeling. I wrote, "...I want to choose faith and acceptance. Though, it is hard. Or is it? Isn’t it easier to just have faith and not fight against the Lord’s will? I feel confused and uncertain."

After writing a little more, I perused the internet and immediately found this blog post. I found it interesting that she had a similar experience with her daughter telling her she was pregnant. And I half chuckled-half sighed to read "the story of my life seldom follows my carefully-laid plans." I had just written in my journal that I felt confused and uncertain. The turmoil I was experiencing was dying down, but after listening to this song she linked to, I felt completely healed.

The words sunk deep in my heart:

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace
Though it's hard to surrender to what I can't see
I'm giving in to something heavenly

Surely, the Lord wanted me to hear this song right at that moment. I surrender to His will. I have felt so much peace since. To be honest, I am surprised at how peaceful I feel about it. But, I think I understand the reasons why this had to happen. I'm grateful I wasn't that far along- only 7 weeks.

Monday I went in to get my hCG level checked. For those of you curious about the medical side- I'm pretty sure I passed everything on my own and won't need a D&C (99% sure). I'll go in again next week to make sure my hCG level is under 5.

The nurse asked me when I had had a positive pregnancy test. "Christmas morning," I replied. She turned her head to look at me and sighed, "Oh, I'm so sorry." I was touched by her empathy and as tears filled my eyes I had the thought that by next Christmas we would have our baby- that the tears of sorrow I had shed would be restored to tears of rejoicing next Christmas as I would have that same spirit in my arms.

I am slowly learning to give up some of my control. We won't be having a baby in May or even late Aug/early Sept anymore. Vince and this next baby will be 3 yrs apart in school. This baby will probably be born during the holidays. I'm okay with that and am actually excited about a possible Christmas baby, which is BIG for me.

"The issue for us is trusting God enough to trust also His timing. If we can truly believe He has our welfare at heart, may we not let His plans unfold as He thinks best?" -Neal Maxwell

I'm grateful He loves me enough to give me His plan, not mine.