Sweet and bitter

Most of you will remember my post about my miscarriage back in January. And you might remember the revelation I received about having that same spirit in my arms by the following Christmas. I wrote:

"The nurse asked me when I had had a positive pregnancy test. "Christmas morning," I replied. She turned her head to look at me and sighed, "Oh, I'm so sorry." I was touched by her empathy and as tears filled my eyes I had the thought that by next Christmas we would have our baby- that the tears of sorrow I had shed would be restored to tears of rejoicing next Christmas as I would have that same spirit in my arms."

I wanted to have faith that it was indeed the Lord that put that thought into my mind but, I doubted that maybe it was just me, that I made it up because I wanted it to be true. The day came for me to take a pregnancy test. If it was negative, then I had made it up. To my shock, it was negative. It seemed like it would be perfect timing for so many reasons including the fact that we would be going on a cruise right during the time my morning sickness would be at it's worst, to help me take my mind off it all. (The Lord has always provided a major trip for me during my sicknesses to help me manage. With Azure, I went to San Francisco for a work trip. With Vince I filmed the Generations Project and went to Girls Camp for a week AND stayed at Charles' parents for a month which meant I didn't have to cook. That was the best!)

I just couldn't understand. The next day we went on a mini field trip downtown with Theresa and her kids to visit some of the historic squares and make a trip to the Savannah Bee. One of the squares had a fountain, so feeling like a fun mom that day I gave each child a penny, including one for me and Theresa too, and told everyone to make a wish.

The next day Azure and I were in the kitchen and she mentioned something about the baby and then said very sincerely, “Mom, that’s what I wished for with my penny.” I was completely overcome. “You wished that I would have a baby in my tummy?” I asked close to tears. “Yes.” “So, did I Cub.”

A couple days later I took another pregnancy test and it was positive! Talk about an emotional rollercoaster week! My due date is Dec. 21, Azure's half birthday, 4 days before Christmas. I am usually late but, because I felt the baby would be born by Christmas I am hoping no later than Dec. 25. 

I was very nervous waiting to feel sick. When my first wave of nausea hit a couple days before my 6 wk mark, I was very grateful because I knew it meant the baby was okay. But, this is still a very hard time for me. I have been throwing up everyday for the past week now. And every other day since May 1st. Gratefully the most I've thrown up is twice in one day. I have what is known as Hyperemesis Gravidarum but, it is controlled with zofran. If I wasn't taking zofran I would be in pretty bad shape and would most likely have to be hospitalized. 

I start throwing up within an hour if I skip a dose. I cannot cook. Cooking meals makes me throw up. I have to eat out everyday for lunch and dinner. It gets really expensive. The first trimester when I was pregnant with Azure was one of the darkest, most depressing times of my life. It has gotten a little better each time because of zofran and because I know what to expect. 90% of the times I throw up is psychological. That is how I got interested in hypnosis because I started associating everyday tasks with throwing up and sure enough when I did those things I imagined, I would throw up. 

Of course, when we were on the cruise I didn't throw up at all because I had all kinds of yummy food at my discretion laid out in front of me that I could eat anytime I wanted. And because I was relaxed and enjoying myself with Charles without children! When we got off the boat I started to worry about where we would eat next. I also started thinking about taking care of the children again and how demanding that was and wondering what the house was going to smell like when I walked in. Vomiting for me is definitely a product of anxiety. When we finally stopped for lunch I threw up. 

I know everyone experiences morning sickness differently. Some women have it even worse than me and experience it the whole 9 months. My heart goes out to them. I know some women who just feel nauseous and never throw up who have told me, "I wish I could throw up because then it would make me feel better." I will tell you that throwing up does not make me feel better. This is pregnancy, not the flu. The nausea doesn't go away. Throwing up everyday is emotionally, physically, and spiritually draining. 

I take comfort in knowing that this will end soon. I also take comfort in knowing that my Savior knows exactly what this feels like, even as a man. And that because I have covenanted with Him and Charles to bring children into this world that He will not leave me comfortless in that endeavor. The more I sacrifice for those I love, the more I love them. As crappy as this is some days, I do glory in my body and the miracle that we can have another child. Azure talks about her all the time (she is convinced it is a girl) and she already loves her so, so, much. As do I and Charles. And I'm sure Vince too even though he is oblivious to this all. It is overwhelming to think about how much this little baby will be loved right from the beginning. It will be the best Christmas present ever!