Gratitude

I used to think I knew myself pretty well but, I'm still learning. I am very prone to anxiety and depression. I guess subconsciously I knew this but, I didn't allow myself to vocalize it until after Azure was born and I had PPD. (PPD doesn't have as bad as a stigma as just plain ole depression.) One of the main reasons I didn't have PPD again this time was because of the outpouring of love and support I have received from family and friends.

I didn't have to cook a real meal for the first 4 wks after Zeke was born because friends from church brought meals and my mom and in laws took us out to dinner. And they helped me clean! Every week for the first month I had at least someone (sometimes more than 1) take Azure and Vince for a few hours so that I could get some sleep. It was so nice to have a handful of people I could rely on for help. Most of the time I didn't even have to ask. Friends just called and texted- "when can I take the kids for you?" "What day can I bring a meal?" That is much more helpful than asking, "Let me know if I can do anything for you." I also had a dear friend of mine send a very thoughtful gift that means so much to our family, esp to Zekiel and me.

2 weeks ago Charles went on a ski trip with the young men from church. I was kind of dreading him going b/c I would be alone with all 3 kids. A close friend of mine, who was my first ever roommate my freshman year of college, "just happened" to email me to ask if she could come down from Boston for a week to help me out! She was heaven sent. There aren't many things in life I enjoy more than spending time/talking with friends who really know and love me. Such a blessing.

I am even more motivated than before, after receiving so much love and help to reach out to others that are struggling. Especially to women after having a baby. Pay it forward.

Vince is 3!

3 years ago I gave birth vaginally to our first born son. That was such a miracle for us. I felt so empowered by his birth. It boosted my confidence. I fell in love instantly with Vince. He was such an easy baby. Then he turned 1 and became much more difficult. It was like a switch had been flipped. 2 has also been a hard age. It's hard not to compare him to Azure. Azure at this age was so independent. Vince is not. We all have baby-ed him because he acted so much like a baby. Now, we are trying harder to help him learn how to do things on his own. I lose my patience with him often b/c I expect too much of him, esp now having a "real" baby, I want him to grow up and be independent. I don't want to take care of 2 babies, just 1. (Twins would kill me! Bless those of you with twins!)

But, he is the sweetest boy. He has a heart of gold and he is very forgiving. He likes to make us laugh. He tells all of us (including Zeke) that he loves us sooo much. For the whole month of December he would respond to everything I said with, "Okay, snappy crab Mommy!" And then laugh and growl which turned into a somewhat sinister laugh reminiscent of some cartoon.

When my mom was here she called Azure, Azure Marie quite a few times and Vince caught on to this but, added an extra "a". Now, he responds with, "Okay, Mommy Maria," to almost everything I say. When looking for Azure he says, "Where are you Azure Maria?" And even Charlie is "Daddy Maria." I wonder what catchphrase he'll use this month.

He still needs to nap about every other day just an hour to an hour and a half. He knows all his letters and colors and I'm not sure about numbers :) I don't think I've heard him count past 15. We'll be working on that and see how he feels about writing his name soon.

1 month

Things I love about Zekiel:

His swirly cowlick at the very front of his hairline
The sweet squeaks he makes when he breathes (just like the other 2)
His heavenly scent
The way he nuzzles under my neck
His clear blue eyes that tells me he is kind and loyal
He's a good sleeper! (just like the other 2)

Somewhat of a smile

Nicknames:
Zekiel
Zekey
Little one
Snuggle bug
Snappy Crab (given by Vince)

Inspired by Pinterest, I shot these photos and am pretty proud of some of them. Especially this one:

I got a new wrap- a sleepy wrap. Thanks Kassi for the recommendation! I have mixed feelings toward babywearing. I think it's easier than lugging around a baby in a carseat for sure. Sometimes it's nice to keep them close to you when they want to be held but, you need your hands for other things. However, even though generally I am a very affectionate person and enjoy physical touch, I tend to get "touched out" esp with 3 kids always on me. Sometimes I don't want to be touched. Most often I would prefer to do household chores without a baby on me. (Though, it would be convenient if you had a wrap like this when your baby was inconsolable and you really needed to get something done.) I kinda get sick of reading parenting books or articles that imply you're not a good parent if you don't garden or grocery shop with your baby attached to you. They can be plenty stimulated by squatting down next to me or in the shopping cart (when they're old enough to sit.) End rant.

We got some newborn pics of Zeke taken right before he turned 3 wks old along with some family pics. Even though we prefer outside family pics over studio ones, these turned out pretty good. One advantage of the studio was the employees made the kids smile and laugh which we haven't really been able to capture as well in outside shoots.

I can't get over how adorable my Zekiel is! A couple weeks ago I wrote this in his journal: "I feel so content in who I am and know that I have a divine nature to nurture you as I nurse and rock you to sleep. You squeak and nuzzle under my neck and smile as you drift off. Oh, my heart! This is what I was made for. I love feeling that I'm giving you all you need. That you are secure and content and happy. Warm and snuggled with a tummy full of my warm, delicious milk. What a feeling of peace, contentment, and joy for me."

Then later that same day I came across this passage of scripture quoted in The Gift of Giving Life book from Isaiah.

"That ye may suck, and be satisfied with the breasts of her consolations; that ye may milk out, and be delighted with the abundance of her glory for thus saith the Lord, Behold, I will extend peace to her like a river, and...ye shall be born upon her sides, and be dandled upon her knees" (Isaiah 66:11-12)

Not only do we have a Heavenly Father, but also a Heavenly Mother. That we can be with Them again one day and also with our earthly family forever, makes trials and disappointments worth it.

A little catch up

I promise I'm getting closer to posting the birth story! I'm kind of a perfectionist when it comes to writing historical accounts.

Here's some pics from the last time I posted.

The hospital billboard with Zeke's name!

 Getting a baby suntan to combat his slight case of jaundice. He didn't need the lamp, just the sun.

Trying out the new goggles she got for Christmas.

We celebrated Charlie's 31st birthday which commences the Festival of Lanterns. His parents had just come that morning. He got a kindle which I have been enjoying while nursing. The day after we finally saw Les Mis. We had high hopes but, just liked it okay. We feel more emotionally tied to the '98 version. But, Anne Hathaway takes the cake for her performance of "I Dreamed a Dream". Wow. Amazing.

We wanted to bless Zekiel while Charles' parents were here so that his Dad could be in the circle but, I was not feeling well enough to go to church (still getting over that stitch pain) so we decided to bless him here at home.

It's way too big for him at only 12 days old!

Our family of 5!

This used to be Charles' T-ball shirt!

Still been feeling up and down which I guess is just normal for me? I teeter between feeling extremely grateful for my children and enjoying the stage of life I'm in, to wishing it all away and escaping to the gym and to Target to buy all the bright colored clothing I can. I can't tell you how HAPPY I am that bright colors are "in" right now. I've loved bright colors since I was a child and it's hasn't always been easy to find them. I am stocking up before they go "out" of fashion. Though, they are eternally in fashion for me.

More posts in the works...

Nativity

I pretty much volunteered to be Mary in our ward's reenactment of the Nativity. I was so fitting being "great with child". Little did I know our baby would really be born on Christmas day. Charles, of course, had to be Joseph.

 They got some candy from Santa. Azure and Vince were reindeer in the skit b/c you know, reindeer were definitely in the manger.

I was asked to sing, "O, Holy Night". No small feat being 9 months pregnant. Breath control was difficult.

Vince stayed by my side while I sang. He hugged my leg a few times. Such a mama's boy.

Postpartum

Zeke will be 2 wks tomorrow. It has gone by in a blur. I found out why I was in so much pain. One of my stitches (or maybe more) tore. Too bad I called about it on a Saturday. I've never had any success with an on-call Dr. over the wkend.

I am feeling much better. Tired, but no real pain. Except an occasional ache in my tail bone. I think Zeke bruised it quite badly when he was trying to turn right before I started pushing.

The last of my live in help (Mom and then in-laws) left today. Which means I have to do my own dishes again. I hate dishes. I have some wonderful friends who have offered to take Azure and Vince this wk and next for a few hrs and bring me some more meals. That will be helpful.

I'm feeling some baby blues but, not PPD which is a relief. I do cry a lot. I have a lot of anxiety. Esp when I have to wait for something and it's taking longer than expected- like our bill at a restaurant or meeting someone who shows up late. I have a fair amount of anxiety anyway but, postpartum exacerbates it. Luckily the oxytocin I get while nursing calms me down and helps me to feel peaceful and relish the quiet moments of snuggling with Zekiel even at 3am.

Vince seems HUGE now. I think he's gained 5 lbs and grown a couple inches since Zeke was born. He's also talking a lot more. One of the funniest things he's said as of late was the other day when we were driving. He asked where we were going, "WalMart," I replied. "I hate WalMart." "Me too." Also, today as I was putting him down for a nap, placing him in his crib (so he wouldn't escape) he said, "This is the worst." He makes me laugh!

He is very interested in Zeke. He wants to kiss him every 2 mins. The problem is he doesn't know how to be gentle. So, his affection for his little brother is a cause of my anxiety. I am worried he's going to hurt him. But, it is darling to see how much he loves him. Recently Vince has liked to make up songs. One of them was to the tune of "Once there was a snowman" instead he sang, "Once there was a Zekiel". He also made up a new one today about Zeke being his best friend. Melts my heart. I hope they will be best friends.

Azure has been extremely helpful and has brought me cups of water while I nurse w/o me even asking. I am so glad we're homeschooling. I couldn't imagine her being in school right now. She is my main source of help during the day. I would also hate driving her to sch in the morning being sleep deprived and having to wake up Zeke. I think I'll homeschool all the children again when we have baby #4 or at least try to have her at the end of the school year.

All in all it's been wonderful. With every child I have I feel more complete as a person and as a woman. I love my children and I love being a mother. Not because it's easy, but because it's hard. It's true, the more you sacrifice for someone, the more you love them. Blood, sweat, tears, sleep, and breastmilk to name a few.

Our very real Christmas miracle

Ezekiel Lamadrid Jensen was born at 1:25pm on Christmas Day! He weighed 8lbs 6oz and was 21 inches long. My biggest baby yet! Azure was 7lbs 3oz and Vince was 7lbs 15oz.

His detailed birth story will have to wait. Why does it take me so long to write detailed accounts?

My due date was Dec. 21. With my track record I knew he'd come later than that. I was holding out for Sunday, Dec. 23. It was Joseph Smith's birthday and we talked about Joseph for a middle name. If he were born on the 23rd we thought it'd be appropriate to use the name. Sunday morning came with no real contractions and I panicked a bit. "What if the revelation I received was that he'd come by Christmas time? Did it really mean he'd be born by Christmas day?" I had Charles give me a blessing that night to calm my worried heart and mind. In it he said, "The Lord will fulfill His promises to you." I still didn't know what that meant. But, it gave me hope. Something to hold onto for a little while more.

I am absolutely humbled that he was born on Christmas Day. Every time I think about it tears well up in my eyes. Do you remember that we found out last Christmas that we were pregnant? And after my miscarriage I felt the Lord speak to my mind and heart saying, "You will have that same baby in your arms by the following Christmas." Friends, the Lord loves us so, so, much! He fulfills His promises! Zeke is a living testimony of that for me. I hope my mortal mind can remember this miracle when I lose hope or faith or feel unloved. My heart is so full.

The birth itself went well. A few things I wasn't really expecting. Some things I didn't plan very well for. I have even more respect for my body. I went into labor on my own and actually dilated pretty fast without any Pitocin. Yay! More details later...

His shoulder got stuck and I ended up with a 3rd degree tear. I had one with Vince too and it wasn't that bad. But, this time has been much more painful. Friday and Saturday I was in so much pain that I felt it was tainting my birth experience and I was sad that I couldn't bask in the glory and wonder of his birth b/c I was too consumed with pain to do so.

My emotions have been all over the place. Joyful ecstasy to paranoid anxiety. Totally normal for the first week after giving birth.

My body is shrinking down and it feels so good to not be pregnant anymore. It's exciting to be able to wear some of my old lose-fitting clothes again! (ie non-maternity clothes- don't worry they're not my normal form fitting clothes. Can't fit into those quite yet)

And I am in love with my Zekiel. (That's what Vince is calling him and I love it. He also calls him Baby Zete) I could just inhale him in. Tan tierno.

Best Christmas present EVER!

I imagine the Lord chuckling at me whenever someone would tell me of their Dec or early Jan birthday and I would think, "Ugh. I'm glad my birthday isn't so close to Christmas." Or even more recent, "I would never want to have a baby during the holidays." But, now. Now, every time someone asks when his birthday is I will remember that the Lord loves me. I will remember that the Lord indeed fulfills His promises to me. I will remember the importance of forgiveness. The Lord knows what is truly best for us, so much more than we think we do.

"For this child I prayed; and the Lord hath given me my petition which I asked of him" 

1Samuel 1:27