My babes

My babes are growing. I've been busy and they are growing before my eyes. Zeke is 25.5 inches long! His head is at the top of the bassinet and his feet are almost touching the bottom! He's not even 3 months yet and his 3 month clothes are getting too tight! I've never had a baby wear clothes bigger than their age yet.

I was looking at this picture today and remembered a vision I had when Charles and I were dating or engaged. Charles made this pouty face and said, "No,no,no,no." In my mind flashed an image of a blonde haired boy making the same face Charles was and saying the same thing. That was a powerful image to me. We knew before we were married that there were spirits eagerly awaiting. I haven't thought about that experience for a long time. It made me feel more tender tonight thinking about Vince. He is that boy I saw 4 years before we created his body.

Today Emily V. came over and as we were talking on the couch Azure joined in our conversation just like she was our age. It was clear she felt comfortable relating her experiences with us, just like she was an adult. I remember doing that at her age, too. She is becoming a young woman. She is growing tall.

Even though sometimes I rush about like a mad woman and shout orders when we're running late, I do take the time to squat down to their level at least once a day and look into their eyes and kiss their faces. I act silly and chase them around and tickle them.

Vince has been saying, "Mommy, you're the best Mommy I wanted." It's like he knows he made a choice to have me as his mother. Maybe he could have picked another woman. But, he picked me. And I feel that. I say to him, "And you're the best son I wanted. I told Heavenly Father, that's the baby I want. I want that one right there."

Having a newborn, or not-so-new born plus 2 other children at home is demanding. And again this baby won't take a bottle or pacifiers. I am 3 for 3. Truth is, in a way, I love being the only one that can give them what they need. Do I complain about that fact at times? Yes. But, I know this time won't last forever. And there is something so very sacred about clutching a baby to my breast and rocking back and forth in that glider that I nursed Azure and Vince in. I thank God for these 3 babes who drive me to insanity and who fill my heart with meaning and joy. Pure joy.

The Body

Remember this post where I announced I wanted to be a massage therapist? I've changed my mind. It is too expensive and going back to school is time consuming. But, I wasn't completely off b/c I wrote:

"...I would be a mini guru of things relating to the sacredness of the body, which is something I feel very passionate about."

I still do feel very passionate about the body. I wrote that post in Sept. 2010 but, the revelation came one night in December 2009 when I was 8 months pregnant with Vince. I can see myself kneeling in our bedroom. I was alone and praying out loud which is my absolute favorite. For some reason I felt prompted to pray about my future career which was odd to me b/c I hadn't been thinking about that recently. 2 other things came to mind besides massage therapy- Pilates instructor and childbirth educator. When I sought for specifics the answer, "Do what you feel passionate about" came to mind. In recording this event in my journal I wrote:

"The Lord knows my interests and passions and wants me to be happy as I figure out how to share my passion and happiness with others."

My good friend Cassie introduced me to the idea of health coaching last June. It resonated with me but, I was pregnant and the timing felt off. As I prayed about whether or not I should do it after Zeke was born, that December night came to mind and I realized this was the answer to that prayer. Health coaching relates to the sacredness of the body!

So, I am now a personal health coach! I have my first client and already it is so fulfilling to help her achieve her goals. I can only imagine that joy increasing in the months to come as we see her progress.

Here is my website. Friends, will you please take a look at it and then pass my info onto anyone you know who has struggled with their weight and/or wants to learn to be healthy for the long term? I decided to work for this company because they focus on support. People who have been overweight for years need encouragement and support and tools to make behavioral changes. I help provide that for my clients. AND, if you yourself are interested in becoming a health coach, let me know. Leave a comment or email me at: sprklyblue@gmail.com My birthday is next week- think of it as an early birthday present for me :)

It feels good to be working on some personal development that allows me to be Deanna, and not just Mommy right now. Also, an added plus that I can help pay down our pharmacy school loans doing something I love. This is exciting! I'm grateful for answered prayers!

Vince's golden birthday party

I'm not an over-achiever. I knew Vince's party was going to be simple since I have a newborn. I didn't want to have it here b/c I didn't want the stress of cleaning my house for guests so we had it at Daffin park the day before his birthday (Sat. Feb. 2). It was pretty easy.

We played at the playground for about an hour. Then we moved onto the grassy area to play duck, duck, goose, London bridge is falling down, and other great games led by Emily V. The kids loved it! We blew bubbles and Charles flew Vince's new kite.

Can you tell how excited he is about this game?

Then, we ate his Winnie the Pooh cake that he picked out from Publix. (Again- there was no way I was making a homemade cake). I think we may be doing more park birthday parties in the future. Easy, peasy.

On his actual birthday I made mini cupcakes so he could take them to his friends in nursery. Then we sang to him again after dinner and gave him another piece of cake and we opened presents.

I had to do a mini-photo shoot of him in his shirt and tie. On Sundays when I get him dressed for church he says, "I wanna wear a tie like Daddy." So cute! I love my boys. I have 3!

And yes, he has a bit of a mullet. So hard to cut off his curls in the back.

Zekiel's Birth Story

One of the reason it's taken me so long to write this is that over the course of this pregnancy (even before we conceived actually) I've had a real paradigm shift on "natural" birth. I have a drafted post entitled "My evolving opinion on birth" which I, of course, never posted. Maybe one day I will.

I also had to sift through my feelings about this birth before I could post about it. With Azure and Vince's births I felt that maybe I had planned too much, so this time around I went the other extreme and didn't plan enough! I had all my preparations done on Vince's due date and then had to wait around 9 more days with nothing really to do and it drove me absolutely crazy. I wanted to have things to keep me busy this time around if I were to go that late again. Chelsea asked me a couple days before the birth if I had everything ready. I told her no and explained the aforementioned reasons. She said, "But, what if you go into labor tonight and don't have everything ready, won't that stress you out?" I told her I would be more stressed out if I had everything ready and was just sitting around waiting. Well, now that I've experienced both situations I can say that both circumstances stressed me out equally, I think.

On Christmas Eve I woke up feeling some slight contractions- nothing to become excited about though. After a couple hours I felt really tired even though I had just woken up a few hrs prior. I decided to take a nap and thought, "Maybe my body knows I will need this sleep for later on." After I woke up from my nap my heartburn flared up like clockwork. I had run out of zantac the night before and was hoping that it was going to be the last pill I had to take. Nope.

Originally I had thought to drive to CVS to pick up more but, then decided to walk. Walking, of course, could induce productive contractions. I briskly walked there and curb walked on the way back. I'm sure I was quite the sight doing these "exercises" with my huge, overdue belly.

The walk was invigorating and I became determined to "get things going." I busted out the breast pump and pumped for about 5 mins on each breast. It was pumping that induced labor with Vince. Then I did some semi-intense pelvic rocking and lo and behold! Bloody show! It was about 2pm.

I was very hopeful about this sign and felt that I would probably have him by the next day. Though, I remembered that I had some bloody show with Vince a couple days before he was actually born. A little more kept coming out every time I urinated. I did some more pelvic rocking just for good measure. I decided to call my doula, Ifetayo to give her an update before we left for the Thompson’s for a Christmas Eve party just in case I had to call her in the middle of the night in a few more hrs.

At the Thompson’s I felt a few contractions sporadic and mild. Everyone asked and I told some that I had lost my mucous plug and it should be in a couple days, hopefully tomorrow. After the Thompson’s we dropped a gift off over at the Brannen’s and I felt a few more in the car.  I started to visualize what I wanted to have happen. “I’ll get everything ready for Christmas breakfast ahead of time, put all the presents out. Go to sleep- have some mild contractions that I can sleep through. Wake up, eat, open presents, drop off the kids at Theresa’s and then hit it hard. Baby by midnight.”

We acted out Luke 2 with the kids who were not very into it. I was contracting and getting anxious about finishing everything up. Charles put on Home Alone for us to watch but, I couldn’t sit down to watch it- I was too busy in the kitchen getting the pumpkin pancake batter ready. I pulled out all the bowls I’d need for everything.


I asked Charles to get the tarp out to put down for the birth pool. I put some more things in the hospital bag.  They started coming about every 4-5 mins lasting about 10 seconds. It didn’t matter if I was up moving or sitting down- they were still coming. I really wanted to get a good night’s sleep before they picked up. I finally got in bed around midnight and prayed I could sleep through them. I told Charles to set the alarm for 7am so we could have breakfast ready for the kids before they got up. Latkes, strawberries and cream, pumpkin pancakes with caramel buttermilk syrup, and bacon.  

I listened to my Birthing Day Affirmations- the first time I had listened to any Hypnobabies my entire pregnancy. I felt relaxed listening to it and when a contraction came I would shake my body to move through it. I felt like maybe I was disturbing Charles so I tried just being still while one came and it was uncomfortable. I think that was finally when I realized that this was it. I turned off the Hypnobabies and tried sleeping but, to no avail. I looked at the clock and it was 1am. ‘Guess I’m not sleeping tonight’, I thought to myself.

I got up and got on the computer bouncing on the birth ball. They kept coming every 4 mins and they were getting stronger. I hate starting labor at night. I feel so alone and I don’t want to wake anyone. I am a complete baby and I want someone there helping me. This is the 3^rd time now that I’ve had hard contractions during the night when everyone is sleeping. I started timing them at 1:20 and they were 3 mins apart lasting about 20-30 seconds. I hesitated to call Ifetayo but, I knew she had about a 2 hr drive to get here and I wanted her to be with me esp b/c Charles was asleep.

I called her at 1:39 and told her what was going on. She said she was on her way. I expected her to be here at 4am. I wanted to get into the birth pool. I had asked her if she thought it would be too early. She said no. So, I woke Charles and asked him to fill the birth pool up for me. I felt bad about having had to wake them both up.

He got right to work setting it up while I made more breakfast preparations. I figured maybe we could wake the kids early at like 7am to eat and hurry and open presents. 9am wouldn’t be too early to have them go to Theresa’s. I got into the pool around 2:30 and it was semi relaxing as I draped my body over the side and just rocked through them. But, I started to get cold b/c the space heater wasn’t working. I got really concerned about that subconsciously. I didn’t want the heater burning up the kids upstairs and setting it to 70 just wasn’t warm enough for downstairs.

I tried just sitting against the side but, that hurt my back. I would randomly feel them in my back and some not. I couldn’t tell what position he was in and I couldn’t find a position that consistently felt good. Pelvic rocking only worked part of the time. I started shaking b/c I was cold. Ifetayo got here around 3:30am and I stayed in the water for about an hr more. I was getting so tired. 

I decided to get out of the water b/c I was cold and I wanted to sleep. I hoped that if I laid down on the couch with my body pillow that maybe Ifetayo could push against my back so I could sleep just a little. I remember Charles telling her that he was going to go lay down before the kids got up. I wondered if we would make it that long. It was about 4:30am. I laid there for about 30 mins and I would tell her when my contractions started and ended so she could time them. Still about 3 mins apart. I actually did fall asleep for a little bit. Maybe 10 mins all in all. Then it just got too uncomfortable and I had to get up. I remember feeling a little helpless and panicked even with her there b/c nothing was giving me comfort. Some of what she did helped, some didn’t and I was getting frustrated. I should add that we were listening to Hypnobabies during this time.

She said they were coming about every 2 mins now and that we should start thinking about going to the hospital. I remember feeling relief when she said that b/c I wanted an epidural. I think that is when I made up my mind that I really wanted one when she said that. It was getting too hard to handle and even with a doula I wasn’t feeling that much relief. I went upstairs to get my phone so I could text Theresa and let her know we were coming soon. I had a couple contractions going up the stairs and tried to keep climbing through them to see if it helped if I moved. Not really. I had to pee again and went to our bathroom. I had the idea to sit on the toilet backwards through one and it really helped. I stayed there through a few and thought maybe I could go a little while longer like that.

I was still in my bathing suit and still cold. I had just gotten into warm clothes when I felt a trickle coming down my legs. I went to the bathroom again and saw the brown mucous plug along with more bloody show. It was about 5:45am. I came back downstairs to find Ifetayo asleep. I told her that my water had just broken. She said the contractions would start to get a little more intense now. I didn’t like the idea of that at all and wanted to get to the hospital for the epidural quick.

I went back upstairs (curse those stairs!) and told Charles that my water broke and we needed to get the kids up and take them to Theresa’s. I sat backwards on the toilet again through a couple more contractions and had Charles give me a blessing. 

I texted Theresa at 6 and told her we’d be there in about an hr. I hoped 7 wouldn’t be too early. I passed by Azure’s door after Charlie had woken her. She said, “Merry Christmas Daddy,” in the cutest ‘I just woke up voice’. That was one of my favorite things. Vince came down the stairs and saw his bike. “This is for me?” he asked so excited. “Yes, it’s your Christmas present.” I was kinda sad we wouldn’t have time to open up gifts but, the contractions were just too intense to stay any longer. There’s no way it would have been an enjoyable experience for anyone.

Ifetayo followed us to the hospital in her car. Her and Charles both helped me get registered through the ER. I was annoyed that they asked me questions and expected me to answer during contractions.  It only got worse as they wouldn’t allow Ifetayo to come with me into triage. Charles had left to go drop off the kids. I was starting to have back labor even more intensely and they wanted me to change into a hospital gown. I knew I didn’t want it on but, my pants were wet from amniotic fluid. Had someone been w/ me, I would have just put on my birthing robe that I wore w/ the other 2. But, I complied not having any advocate.

This was the point where I lost all concentration if I had any at all. I got onto the exam table on all 4s and pelvic rocked to try and relieve my back pain. My behind was hanging out of that stupid gown and the nurse walked in and made some sort of surprised sound and maybe said, “Oh!” when she saw me. That made me feel really bad and vulnerable, like I was an animal and a spectacle to see. She upset me. Again she asked too many questions while I was having contractions and I asked if my doula could please come in and answer these questions. She said as soon as she got me checked in she could. Ugh!

I found out later that it’s a hospital policy that no one can come in with you to triage. I plan to write a complaint about that policy. I didn’t have this experience w/ Vince b/c Dr. Morgan herself admitted me since it was during office hours. The only good part was that she told me I was dilated to a 4. I have never been that dilated w/o pitocin before AND I had been in labor for only about 6.5 hrs. It had taken me much longer to dilate to a 4 in my 2 previous labors.

Charles came back and they put me into a room. My memory is blurry here. I was just not feeling calm and collected. I was in pain and I started to cry with the next contraction. “I’m going to need an epidural,” I told Charles. His face was caring and he said, “That’s ok.” So, I asked for one. I had to endure a couple more contractions until the anesthesiologist came in. “What is taking so long?” I asked Charles. “Will you make sure that they’re coming?” I was so desperate for relief. I was feeling it in my back and that just really throws me off. He reassured me that she had been called and was on her way.

She finally came and just like my epidural with Vince, it only worked on the right side. It must be something about my body. But, even though I could still feel the contractions on my left side, they were more manageable and “took the edge off”. I can’t imagine how it would feel to have one that actually works on both sides!

The next few hours I dozed between sleeping and trying to get into optimal positions to relieve the back labor and get Zeke LOA. My right leg was a complete dead weight so Ifetayo and Charles helped to move me around. Ifetayo put on the hospital’s radio channel which was "soothing" music. I didn’t feel too soothed by it at times and so I switched between listening to hypnobabies.

Here’s where my lack of preparation occurred to me. I wanted to listen to Christmas music. It was Christmas morning for crying out loud! But, I never put it on the ipod. Actually I wished that we had brought the computer or at least the ipod docker so that we all could listen to inspiring music. It’s one of the things I most regret not doing about the birth. Sigh.

Around 9am (2.5 hrs after my 1^st vaginal exam) I was checked again and was at a 6.  Dr. Barrett said that my cervix was posterior. I was really worried about the position he was in (as I was my entire 3^rd trimester) so I kept trying to move around. I wish I had some of the labor on video b/c I’m sure I was quite the sight being lugged around by Charles, my doula, and the nurses with the lower half of my body completely numb. Well, not completely just that right side.

I was getting hungry so I ate some infamous hospital jello. I picked cherry, of course. Shortly after, I had really bad heartburn and asked for some meds for it. They gave me some nasty drink, alkaseltzer? I was hoping for some oral disintegrating zantac. Shortly after downing it, I felt like I was going to throw up. I announced it and Ifetayo said, “Oh, that’s a good sign.” I realized I was in transition. She grabbed one of those u- shaped hospital bowls and I threw up in it and some got on her. I remember feeling bad after that and apologizing. This was the first time I’ve thrown up during labor.

I thought I should start pushing and I asked to use the squat bar. One of the nurses saw Dr. Barrett set it up and said, “I’ve never seen anyone use that before.” Ifetayo told me in our follow up meeting that she felt I had educated that nurse and in so doing could help other women get off their backs when pushing.

Though, I was not fully dilated Dr. Barrett said I could do some practice pushing. I had written in my birth plan that I didn’t want to be coached when pushing and that I wanted to do what felt best for me. That was under the assumption that I wouldn’t have an epidural.  Though, I could still feel my contractions on the left side I didn’t know how to push. I didn’t feel like what I was doing was effective. I started to feel panicky and realized that Dr. Barrett was just respecting my birth plan so I said, “Can someone breathe with me or motivate me? I don’t know how to do this.” I was not breathing right during pushing. They told me to hold my breath to get the most out of the push but, I felt light headed. They told me to just do short pushes so I could breathe more frequently. I’ve always had problems with breath control- in singing, pilates, and apparently pushing.

I started to feel a lot of pressure on my tailbone so Dr. Barrett suggested getting on my side for a bit. I can’t remember how long I stayed in that position but, after awhile I got back on the squat bar and apparently Zeke had turned because now I was making progress. I don’t think she ever said that I was fully dilated but, I’m guessing I was because everyone got really excited and said, “You’re doing great, Deanna!” (I’m very much affected by verbal affirmation.) After only a few pushes they said they could see his head! Dr. Barrett was somewhat frantic and told the L&D nurse to call the baby nurse immediately. After another push she said, “I don’t think she’s (the baby nurse) going to make it. This baby is coming now.” That was so encouraging b/c I wanted it to be over!

I think subconsciously I thought about easing him out, so as if not to tear but, I didn’t heed that thought and pushed really hard and out he came. Well, his head anyway. His shoulder got stuck and Dr. B had to put her hand in there to get it out. Hence, another 3^rd degree tear. They were worried about it for awhile but, he was fine. He was born at 1:25pm. About 1 hour of pushing counting the practice pushes and pushing somewhat on my side. About 12.5 hrs total of labor! That sure beats 24 hrs with Azure and 48 with Vince!

At our follow up visit 2 wks ago Ifetayo told me she thought I did a wonderful job and that I was a warrior. I laughed at that while my eyes filled with tears. I wondered why she was saying that. She told me that I didn’t hesitate to make my requests known and that I recognized when I needed help and I asked for it. Her perspective made me feel better about my lack of preparation and not listening to sacred Christmas music. I wanted it all to be so spiritual.

I decided to just let it go. I will be more prepared in that arena next time. Of course, it was spiritual in and of itself but, I realized I wanted a “sacred grove experience” especially with the circumstance that this birth was foretold to me and it was Christmas day. But, I realize that was the sacredness of it. Would the Christmas music have added to it? Yes, but it wasn’t necessary. Yes, I needed an epidural, but I am still a warrior.

I think because of the size of my pelvis and shape of my hips I am just destined to always have back labor. So, instead of trying so much to avoid it, I will just expect it next time and focus on ways to deal with it.

*I'm so sad I didn't get any pics of me in the birth pool or any laboring at all. We need to get our auto-focus fixed before our next baby is born so that others can use our camera.*