The Mother's Day That Changed My Life

Mother’s Day evokes lots of emotions. Five years ago, the day before Mother’s Day, a “friend” of mine handed me a parenting book. She said that she had been observing me the last few months and that it was painful for her to watch me interact with my daughter, who was three at the time.  I was completely dumbfounded. The last few months that she had been “observing” me I had been struggling. My husband was doing rotations for Pharmacy School in another state, leaving me a single mother to take care of two small children. I didn’t have many close friends and was lacking in emotional support. My family lived over 2,000 miles away on the other side of the country. I sometimes went days without talking to an adult besides my husband on the phone or on the weekends when he’d come home from North Carolina.

Yes, I admit my three year old and I went head to head frequently. Her stubbornness exceeded mine and we often had power struggles especially as she became more and more articulate. My second child, who had been extremely calm the first year of his life all the sudden became very  demanding and clingy after turning one. My patience was stretched so thin, I often felt as if my entire being had completely disappeared. I didn’t know who I was. I had lost myself in motherhood. Since my husband was gone, I could pray aloud and I often wept as I prayed to God to help me. I hated that I lost my temper daily and that I yelled. I had hoped that after enduring that in my own childhood that I would be better. But, I wasn’t and I was so shameful and disappointed in myself.  

To make a long story short, that was the worst Mother’s Day I have ever had. For a long time after this incident I put up walls around me. It’s one of the most painful experiences that I’ve had (this is only the shortened version) and I didn’t want to open myself up again to “friends” who were taking notes on all my parenting flaws. Sometimes I still struggle with social anxiety, especially when my children are misbehaving in public and I feel like all eyes are on me. I’m so grateful for true friends who love me and when they see me struggle with a child, they come to my aid and help distract or just put their arms around me and tell me they’ve been there, that they understand, that parenting is hard, and just listen to my frustrations instead of handing me a parenting book.

Five years have past and this Mother’s Day is so strikingly different. I awoke this morning to my husband making me breakfast in our new home that we just bought two months ago. My daughter who is now eight, set the table for me with my favorite plate and her and my now 6 year old son laid out all the gifts they had made me in school on the table. My three year son ran into my room with just his diaper on, his blonde curls bouncing in the morning sunlight.

Over the past five years, I’ve grown into motherhood and am more confident about my role. I understand myself better and am more vocal about what I can and can’t handle. I schedule time for myself and take breaks from my children. That doesn’t mean I don’t love them. In fact, it means that I love them too much to give them a ragged spiritually and emotionally distraught mother. I want them to have the best of me. And, for that to happen, I have to have time alone every day. I am finding my place. I realize now that there are different seasons in motherhood. Some seasons are less demanding than others.

So, on this Mother’s Day if you find yourself lacking and feeling guilty for not being the mother you’ve always wanted, I say with Jeffrey Holland, an apostle of Jesus Christ, “Be peaceful. Believe in God and yourself. You are doing better than you think you are.”

This experience has made me more empathetic to mothers who are struggling and feel overwhelmed. Instead of judging and critiquing, let us lift each other up. “No love in mortality comes closer to approximating the pure love of Jesus Christ than the selfless love a devoted mother has for her child.” And, when that love is tested and at times becomes unbearable, let us encourage one another.

3 SIMPLE THINGS YOU CAN DO RIGHT NOW FOR INCREASED ENERGY & WEIGHT LOSS

Here are 3 things you can do starting NOW for increased energy and weight loss.

1) Eat a high protein breakfast within 1 hour of waking up. Food is fuel. Get your metabolism going.

2) Continue to eat protein/carb balanced meals (just as much protein as carbs) every 2-3 hours throughout the day to keep your blood sugar balanced and metabolism revved up. Don’t go over 3 hours without eating.

3) Drink at least half your body weight in ounces of water. Get a water bottle you like to keep track. Guzzle down 20-30 oz within an hour of waking up. The earlier you get your water in, the better.

Healthy Italian Wedding Soup

Total time: 1 hr 15 minPrep: 30 min
Cook: 45 min

Yield: 8 servings
Level: Easy

Ingredients

For the meatballs:
1 1/2 pounds of ground meat (turkey/beef/chicken)
2/3 cup fresh bread crumbs
2 teaspoons minced garlic (2 cloves)
3 tablespoons chopped fresh basil leaves
1/4 cup freshly grated Pecorino Romano
1/4 cup freshly grated Parmesan, plus extra for serving
3 tablespoons milk
1 egg, lightly beaten
1 teaspoon red pepper flakes
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper

For the soup:

2 tablespoons olive oil
1 cup minced yellow onion
1 cup diced carrots (3 carrots), cut into 1/4 inch pieces
3/4 cup diced celery (2 stalks), cut into 1/4 inch pieces
10 cups chicken broth
1/2 cup balsamic vinegar
1/2 cup red quinoa
12 ounces baby spinach, washed and trimmed
1 lemon

Instructions: 

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

For the meatballs, place the ground meat, bread crumbs, garlic, basil, Pecorino, Parmesan, milk, egg, dash of salt, 1/2 teaspoon red pepper flakes, and 1/2 teaspoon pepper in a bowl and combine gently with a fork. With a teaspoon, drop 1 to 1 1/4-inch meatballs onto a sheet pan lined with parchment paper. (You should have about 40 meatballs. They don’t have to be perfectly round.) Bake for 30 minutes, until cooked through and lightly browned. Set aside.

In the meantime, for the soup, heat the olive oil over medium-low heat in a large heavy-bottomed soup pot. Add the onion, carrots, and celery and saute until softened, 5 to 6 minutes, stirring occasionally. Add the chicken stock and bring to a boil. Add the quinoa to the simmering broth and cook for 10 minutes, until the quinoa spiralizes. Add 1/2 cup of balsamic vinegar and then the meatballs to the soup and simmer for 1 minute. Taste for salt and pepper. Stir in the fresh spinach and cook for 1 minute, until the spinach is just wilted. Ladle into soup bowls and sprinkle each serving with extra grated Parmesan and a squirt of lemon juice.

Recipe adapted from Ina Garten.

Citrus Basil Strawberry Chia Jam

Makes 2 12 oz jars.

Ingredients

4 cups of clean, hulled strawberries

2-3 TBS chia seeds

2 TBS honey

1/2 tsp stevia

1-2 large basil leaves

2-3 segments of a sweet mandarin (I love Satsumas & Honey)

Instructions

Place everything into a blender. Blend until smooth consistency and then pour into jars. Place in refrigerator.

Notes

If you add 3 or more orange segments, make sure to add 3 TBS chia. The chia seeds act like pectin and will gel in the fridge, making it a thicker consistency. If you love basil, go ahead and add more leaves  Our family uses this as a mix in for plain Greek yogurt, as a topping on German pancakes, and even in smoothies. Enjoy!

Zekiel turns 3 and a half

An update on Zekiel who recently turned 3 1/2. 3 has been a good age! Lots of improvement from age 1 and 2 which were hard, hard, hard. The biggest thing has been learning about his sensory issues. I wish I had been able to identify them earlier, it would have helped our relationship. He needs almost constant movement as a sensory seeker and we just didn't know. It makes so much sense now.

He started a specialized preschool in January. He'll go back in August. Tues-Fri 8:30am-12pm. It's been a game changer for our relationship. I've needed a break for the last 2 years. In January 2015 I started putting him in day care once a week but that only lasted 2 months since we moved to Boise. I am so grateful that he gets the stimulation he needs and that I get a break. I am much more patient with him when we get regular breaks from each other :)

This past week he's been "doing his workbook" since Azure and Vince have some summer ones they are working on. That involves him talking out loud about what he sees in the pictures and making up a story. It is the cutest. I remember Azure doing this before turning 2. Vince probably around 2 1/2. It is so fulfilling to see Zeke's verbal skills develop. He loves to sing songs and read books. Tonight before bed I sat in his room and watched him play with his letters from the Letter Factory song box he has. He asked me what every letter was and then put it in and listened to the song. He kept asking, "What's this? A for turtle?" for about 10 different letters. On one of them I said, "That's a P for....." I was trying to think of a word he'd recognize that starts with P and he blurted out, "Popcorn!" It is so heart warming for me to connect with him like that! Like we're really communicating, like we really understand each other. With all the frustration, times like these have been hard to come by. I am so grateful for this connection.

He also started going to Sunbeams in January so he's been expected to sit for short periods of time and follow directions. He's getting better. I'm getting better.

Sure love this face! And, those curls. And, his heart. I thank God for keeping His promise to me and giving my baby back to me on Christmas Day. Truly one of the best gifts I've ever been given <3 p="">

Not so sweet November

Most of you know that Spring is my favorite. I love warm weather. Growing up in CA, November was the month it started getting a little more chilly. And, though I did love the chance to finally wear a sweater, November wasn't ever my favorite. In the Fall of 1998 my parents finally gave me permission to be baptized into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The missionaries asked when I'd like to get baptized. 'Right away!' was my first thought. But, then I realized it was approaching winter. I've always had a thing for dates. I thought, 'Maybe I should wait till Spring and my birthday as a real symbol of my rebirth.' But, I had been waiting for years already. It was a real struggle in my mind but, I finally decided on November 15 with the thought that November was the month of Thanksgiving and gratitude, so that it would be fitting for me.

A few years later, the movie "Sweet November" came out (not the greatest movie by the way). Thinking of my baptism, I had a new love for November. It was sweet. Since then I have deemed November as my "grateful month." However, this past November I didn't feel very grateful. I fought hard to see the joy in my life, but most days I couldn't. I was swallowed up in darkness and despair and wished that my life would end.

On Saturday October 10th we found out we were expecting. That was quite the surprise! Some of you know that I miscarried last year in March/April. We had planned to take a little longer than 5 months to try again. After the initial shock wore off, we were excited. Yet, I didn't let myself get too attached. I had already experienced 2 miscarriages and I knew that it wouldn't be the real deal until I started feeling nauseated. That usually happens on week 6. Week 6 came and I wasn't feeling too nauseous, so I called the midwife and they were so kind to let me come in and do a blood draw to find out what my hCG levels were just "to ease my mind." I was a new patient and had never been seen before so I was incredibly grateful they were willing to do that for me.

The plan was to get my levels checked Thursday and then again Monday to see if they were going up or not. That night was the first time I started feeling a bit nauseous. They called back on Friday and told me my levels were high enough that I didn't need to get my blood drawn again and that I could come in on Monday for a vaginal ultrasound. I was shocked. Maybe this is the real deal after all? Maybe it's high because we're having twins? (While meditating on my favorite tree stump in the woods in Savannah in October 2014,  I saw 2 newborn babies who I recognized as my own).

Monday morning I went in for the ultrasound. It was right across the street from the hospital where Charles worked so I was hopeful he could come in with me. I was expecting to hear there was either no heartbeat or 2 heartbeats. The ultrasound tech came in, followed by Charlie! I was relieved to have him there. He hasn't been able to get away as frequently with this new job. Vince and Zeke were also there and they were captivated by the screen. And, then... we saw the heartbeat! I was a little shocked. Why haven't I thrown up yet? Then we got to see the sweet little profile and everything finally started to become real. Charles was all smiles. "Are you sure there's only one heartbeat in there?" "Yep, just one." Weird. She put on the audio so we could also hear the heartbeat. Oh, how I love that sound. It's so reassuring that everything is ok.

At this same time I had a boil type thing on my left foot. I had had it for about 2 weeks but, it had started growing and filling up with liquid. It was itchy so I thought perhaps it was Poison Ivy. Interestingly enough I got poison ivy that same day I had meditated on my tree stump and saw the babies, and it looked somewhat similar. The same day we found out we were pregnant we took family pictures down by the river. We hiked down to get there and I was wearing flats with no socks. Hmmm, I must have gotten it there. I had also been wearing those same shoes rubbing that awful, toxic oil all over my foot unbeknownst to me!

It was pretty manageable until Fri October 30. I wore some new boots which really aggravated the boil, popping the blister and causing an infection (unbeknownst to me). We went to a Halloween party Fri night and I couldn't wear shoes it was so bad. We walked around Sat night trick or treating (which I probably shouldn't have done) and made it even worse. Sunday November 1st the throbbing was so bad I couldn't go to church. That was also the day Daylight Savings ended. Sigh. My entire body started itching and I had red dots all over my back and stomach. (This might have been a "stress" rash.) I started to freak out. Pregnancy hormones + increasing unknown itchiness + emotional distress + cold and darkness, did not bode well for my emotional/mental state. It was a horrible day.

The next day I went to Urgent Care and the Dr. said it did look like poison ivy but, with the "weeping" wound, it had also turned into a bacterial infection. He gave me some topical anti-bacterial ointment and over the next few days it started to get a little bit better.

But, emotionally I was still not feeling well. It was dark and cold and I was missing Savannah. I was working with a specialist to help Zeke with his self regulation and sensory issues and the case worker exacerbated my anxiety and depression. Zeke, in addition to his daily tantrums, also caught a virus and threw up several times over the course of 2 weeks. Cleaning up vomit from carpet is fun! I try to have our Christmas cards designed before Thanksgiving so I was working on those. At the end of our card, I wrote: Love, Charles, Deanna, Azure, Vincenzo, Ezekiel, and baby.

And, then it just didn't feel right. I had a sinking feeling. The next day I called the midwife and asked if I could come in again to check the heartbeat. I didn't want to finalize these cards if I wasn't in fact pregnant anymore. I wanted Charles to come with me but, my phone was acting weird and he doesn't get cell service in the basement of the hospital, so it was just me and Zeke.

First she tried with the doppler but, it didn't work. Then we went back into the ultrasound room for the vaginal ultrasound. Zeke was taking things out of my bag so I was distracted and not looking at the screen. The midwife put her hand on my shoulder and then I looked at the screen and then at the face of the ultrasound tech. "I'm so sorry. There's nothing there."

I was numb. I had a feeling this would happen, yet we had heard the heartbeat only 2 weeks before. I hadn't thrown up, yet was feeling nauseous and had gained almost 10 pounds. To be honest, part of me was relieved. A voice in my head said, "Well, you didn't want to be pregnant anyway." "Now you don't have to wear frumpy maternity pants." This is what my brain does to keep me from feeling sadness.

The midwife tried to "debrief" me with recommending a book and though I could tell her intentions were pure, she clearly didn't understand me or my situation and her "help" made me feel worse.

As we left the office and drove to Winco, the tears came. Gratefully, it was a Thursday which meant I had choir rehearsal. The music and lyrics were pure peace to my soul, a healing balm.

“For a little while Have I forsaken thee; But with great mercies will I gather thee.In a little wrath I hid my face from them. For a moment.But, with everlasting kindness will I gather thee,And with mercy will I take thee ‘neath my wings.For the mountains shall depart and the hills shall be removed and the valleys shall be lost beneath the sea.But, know my child, My kindness shall not depart from thee!Though thine afflictions seem at times too great to bear,I know thine every thought and every care.And though the very jaws of hell gape after thee,I am with thee. And with everlasting mercy will I succor thee,And will healing will I take thee ‘neath my wingsHow long can rolling waters remain impure?What power can stay the hand of God?The Son of Man hath descended below all things.Art thou greater than He?So hold on thy way,For I shall be with thee.And mine angels shall encircle thee.Doubt not what thou knowest,Fear not man, for heCannot hurt thee.My kindness shall not depart from thee!”

I didn't start bleeding until a week later. And, then the cramping started on Thanksgiving. Though it was a bleak time, both literally and figuratively, I did manage to get through by the grace of God. I fought hard to see the joy in the snow fall and planned fun winter activities with the kids like sledding and tubing. Charles and I laughed when he made hot chocolate in the Blendtec and it splattered all over the kitchen. I'm grateful for those small moments of joy amid the weeks of crying and confusion.

Joy cometh in the morning. Sunday will come. Rainbows come after the rain. There is beauty all around.

I'll Love You Forever

I remember the first time I knew for certain that I wanted to be a mother. It was in 4th grade, Mrs. Prince's class. Our classroom was combined with another 4th grade class, Mr. Beckley's. On this occasion, we combined together in the middle of our classrooms and had story time, maybe it was for Mother's day 1990. I would have been 9. Either Mrs. Prince or Mr. Beckley read, "I'll Love You Forever" to us. I had never heard of it before but, I remember as they read I was moved to tears. I was so deeply touched by it's message and felt such great love for my own mother and also a longing in my heart for my future children.

We drove by Azure's school this evening on our way to drop Charlie off at the trail head for his solo camping trip. This wave of nostalgia washed over me. It won't just be Azure's school come August. It will be Vince's too. And, to quote Azure "it will be Zekiel's school, too if we stay here long enough." School starts in 2 months. Time is going by quickly, yet as I wrote in my last post, it doesn't go by fast enough sometimes.

Time is such a strange phenomenon. The paradox of it speeding by and dragging on boggles my mind. The honest truth is sometimes I dread being a mother. It's so overwhelming and thankless some days. So much pressure to raise these needy human beings into something magnificent, when I myself am lacking. So many interruptions. Too much whining and noise. Yet, nothing in this world means more to me than being a mother, other than being a wife.

I know that as women we have a divine longing to nurture children that we inherited from our Heavenly Mother. But, just as anything, this feeling waxes and wanes at times. Though we can not deny that it is there underneath the frustration and confusion. Motherhood matters. Marriage matters. Today is a sad day in history for the United States. The divine institution of marriage has been redefined by our government in the name of love and tolerance.

In college, a lot of my major focused on The Family: A Proclamation to the World. I love that document and I believe it to be the word of God Himself. I want my children to know that I will love them forever and that I will forever do my best to live and defend the teachings of Jesus Christ including "maintaining and strengthening the family as the fundamental unit of society."