A few years later, the movie "Sweet November" came out (not the greatest movie by the way). Thinking of my baptism, I had a new love for November. It was sweet. Since then I have deemed November as my "grateful month." However, this past November I didn't feel very grateful. I fought hard to see the joy in my life, but most days I couldn't. I was swallowed up in darkness and despair and wished that my life would end.
On Saturday October 10th we found out we were expecting. That was quite the surprise! Some of you know that I miscarried last year in March/April. We had planned to take a little longer than 5 months to try again. After the initial shock wore off, we were excited. Yet, I didn't let myself get too attached. I had already experienced 2 miscarriages and I knew that it wouldn't be the real deal until I started feeling nauseated. That usually happens on week 6. Week 6 came and I wasn't feeling too nauseous, so I called the midwife and they were so kind to let me come in and do a blood draw to find out what my hCG levels were just "to ease my mind." I was a new patient and had never been seen before so I was incredibly grateful they were willing to do that for me.
The plan was to get my levels checked Thursday and then again Monday to see if they were going up or not. That night was the first time I started feeling a bit nauseous. They called back on Friday and told me my levels were high enough that I didn't need to get my blood drawn again and that I could come in on Monday for a vaginal ultrasound. I was shocked. Maybe this is the real deal after all? Maybe it's high because we're having twins? (While meditating on my favorite tree stump in the woods in Savannah in October 2014, I saw 2 newborn babies who I recognized as my own).
Monday morning I went in for the ultrasound. It was right across the street from the hospital where Charles worked so I was hopeful he could come in with me. I was expecting to hear there was either no heartbeat or 2 heartbeats. The ultrasound tech came in, followed by Charlie! I was relieved to have him there. He hasn't been able to get away as frequently with this new job. Vince and Zeke were also there and they were captivated by the screen. And, then... we saw the heartbeat! I was a little shocked. Why haven't I thrown up yet? Then we got to see the sweet little profile and everything finally started to become real. Charles was all smiles. "Are you sure there's only one heartbeat in there?" "Yep, just one." Weird. She put on the audio so we could also hear the heartbeat. Oh, how I love that sound. It's so reassuring that everything is ok.
At this same time I had a boil type thing on my left foot. I had had it for about 2 weeks but, it had started growing and filling up with liquid. It was itchy so I thought perhaps it was Poison Ivy. Interestingly enough I got poison ivy that same day I had meditated on my tree stump and saw the babies, and it looked somewhat similar. The same day we found out we were pregnant we took family pictures down by the river. We hiked down to get there and I was wearing flats with no socks. Hmmm, I must have gotten it there. I had also been wearing those same shoes rubbing that awful, toxic oil all over my foot unbeknownst to me!
It was pretty manageable until Fri October 30. I wore some new boots which really aggravated the boil, popping the blister and causing an infection (unbeknownst to me). We went to a Halloween party Fri night and I couldn't wear shoes it was so bad. We walked around Sat night trick or treating (which I probably shouldn't have done) and made it even worse. Sunday November 1st the throbbing was so bad I couldn't go to church. That was also the day Daylight Savings ended. Sigh. My entire body started itching and I had red dots all over my back and stomach. (This might have been a "stress" rash.) I started to freak out. Pregnancy hormones + increasing unknown itchiness + emotional distress + cold and darkness, did not bode well for my emotional/mental state. It was a horrible day.
The next day I went to Urgent Care and the Dr. said it did look like poison ivy but, with the "weeping" wound, it had also turned into a bacterial infection. He gave me some topical anti-bacterial ointment and over the next few days it started to get a little bit better.
But, emotionally I was still not feeling well. It was dark and cold and I was missing Savannah. I was working with a specialist to help Zeke with his self regulation and sensory issues and the case worker exacerbated my anxiety and depression. Zeke, in addition to his daily tantrums, also caught a virus and threw up several times over the course of 2 weeks. Cleaning up vomit from carpet is fun! I try to have our Christmas cards designed before Thanksgiving so I was working on those. At the end of our card, I wrote: Love, Charles, Deanna, Azure, Vincenzo, Ezekiel, and baby.
And, then it just didn't feel right. I had a sinking feeling. The next day I called the midwife and asked if I could come in again to check the heartbeat. I didn't want to finalize these cards if I wasn't in fact pregnant anymore. I wanted Charles to come with me but, my phone was acting weird and he doesn't get cell service in the basement of the hospital, so it was just me and Zeke.
First she tried with the doppler but, it didn't work. Then we went back into the ultrasound room for the vaginal ultrasound. Zeke was taking things out of my bag so I was distracted and not looking at the screen. The midwife put her hand on my shoulder and then I looked at the screen and then at the face of the ultrasound tech. "I'm so sorry. There's nothing there."
I was numb. I had a feeling this would happen, yet we had heard the heartbeat only 2 weeks before. I hadn't thrown up, yet was feeling nauseous and had gained almost 10 pounds. To be honest, part of me was relieved. A voice in my head said, "Well, you didn't want to be pregnant anyway." "Now you don't have to wear frumpy maternity pants." This is what my brain does to keep me from feeling sadness.
The midwife tried to "debrief" me with recommending a book and though I could tell her intentions were pure, she clearly didn't understand me or my situation and her "help" made me feel worse.
As we left the office and drove to Winco, the tears came. Gratefully, it was a Thursday which meant I had choir rehearsal. The music and lyrics were pure peace to my soul, a healing balm.
“For a little while Have I forsaken thee; But with great mercies will I gather thee.In a little wrath I hid my face from them. For a moment.But, with everlasting kindness will I gather thee,And with mercy will I take thee ‘neath my wings.For the mountains shall depart and the hills shall be removed and the valleys shall be lost beneath the sea.But, know my child, My kindness shall not depart from thee!Though thine afflictions seem at times too great to bear,I know thine every thought and every care.And though the very jaws of hell gape after thee,I am with thee. And with everlasting mercy will I succor thee,And will healing will I take thee ‘neath my wingsHow long can rolling waters remain impure?What power can stay the hand of God?The Son of Man hath descended below all things.Art thou greater than He?So hold on thy way,For I shall be with thee.And mine angels shall encircle thee.Doubt not what thou knowest,Fear not man, for heCannot hurt thee.My kindness shall not depart from thee!”
I didn't start bleeding until a week later. And, then the cramping started on Thanksgiving. Though it was a bleak time, both literally and figuratively, I did manage to get through by the grace of God. I fought hard to see the joy in the snow fall and planned fun winter activities with the kids like sledding and tubing. Charles and I laughed when he made hot chocolate in the Blendtec and it splattered all over the kitchen. I'm grateful for those small moments of joy amid the weeks of crying and confusion.
Joy cometh in the morning. Sunday will come. Rainbows come after the rain. There is beauty all around.
1 comment:
I hope you are feeling better these days than last fall, and I hope that when you visited us I didn't say anything that caused you added pain! I'm sorry for your losses. Wish there were some way we could help.
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