The Mother's Day That Changed My Life

Mother’s Day evokes lots of emotions. Five years ago, the day before Mother’s Day, a “friend” of mine handed me a parenting book. She said that she had been observing me the last few months and that it was painful for her to watch me interact with my daughter, who was three at the time.  I was completely dumbfounded. The last few months that she had been “observing” me I had been struggling. My husband was doing rotations for Pharmacy School in another state, leaving me a single mother to take care of two small children. I didn’t have many close friends and was lacking in emotional support. My family lived over 2,000 miles away on the other side of the country. I sometimes went days without talking to an adult besides my husband on the phone or on the weekends when he’d come home from North Carolina.

Yes, I admit my three year old and I went head to head frequently. Her stubbornness exceeded mine and we often had power struggles especially as she became more and more articulate. My second child, who had been extremely calm the first year of his life all the sudden became very  demanding and clingy after turning one. My patience was stretched so thin, I often felt as if my entire being had completely disappeared. I didn’t know who I was. I had lost myself in motherhood. Since my husband was gone, I could pray aloud and I often wept as I prayed to God to help me. I hated that I lost my temper daily and that I yelled. I had hoped that after enduring that in my own childhood that I would be better. But, I wasn’t and I was so shameful and disappointed in myself.  

To make a long story short, that was the worst Mother’s Day I have ever had. For a long time after this incident I put up walls around me. It’s one of the most painful experiences that I’ve had (this is only the shortened version) and I didn’t want to open myself up again to “friends” who were taking notes on all my parenting flaws. Sometimes I still struggle with social anxiety, especially when my children are misbehaving in public and I feel like all eyes are on me. I’m so grateful for true friends who love me and when they see me struggle with a child, they come to my aid and help distract or just put their arms around me and tell me they’ve been there, that they understand, that parenting is hard, and just listen to my frustrations instead of handing me a parenting book.

Five years have past and this Mother’s Day is so strikingly different. I awoke this morning to my husband making me breakfast in our new home that we just bought two months ago. My daughter who is now eight, set the table for me with my favorite plate and her and my now 6 year old son laid out all the gifts they had made me in school on the table. My three year son ran into my room with just his diaper on, his blonde curls bouncing in the morning sunlight.

Over the past five years, I’ve grown into motherhood and am more confident about my role. I understand myself better and am more vocal about what I can and can’t handle. I schedule time for myself and take breaks from my children. That doesn’t mean I don’t love them. In fact, it means that I love them too much to give them a ragged spiritually and emotionally distraught mother. I want them to have the best of me. And, for that to happen, I have to have time alone every day. I am finding my place. I realize now that there are different seasons in motherhood. Some seasons are less demanding than others.

So, on this Mother’s Day if you find yourself lacking and feeling guilty for not being the mother you’ve always wanted, I say with Jeffrey Holland, an apostle of Jesus Christ, “Be peaceful. Believe in God and yourself. You are doing better than you think you are.”

This experience has made me more empathetic to mothers who are struggling and feel overwhelmed. Instead of judging and critiquing, let us lift each other up. “No love in mortality comes closer to approximating the pure love of Jesus Christ than the selfless love a devoted mother has for her child.” And, when that love is tested and at times becomes unbearable, let us encourage one another.