Overdue Thoughts

After Azure was born it was pretty apparent that motherhood was a refining process and that had I not had the opportunity to bare children, I would not learn the lessons I needed to, to return home to my Heavenly Father. Now, I know that is not a requirement to return to heaven, but I felt it was for me personally.

I am not a patient person generally and I am quick to anger and irritation. What better way to learn patience than by having children and dealing with incessant whining, screaming, spills, messes, and a slew of bodily functions?! I admit that I actually don’t know how much more patient I am now as a mother of 3 than I was of 1 or even before I had children at all. But, I think and I sure hope that it has improved. Many times I ask in my prayers to help me remember that our children are just children.

On Tuesday Azure came to me frustrated about a quarrel with Vince. “He’s hitting me and not being nice.” “Do you know why he’s doing that?” I asked. “He’s tired and won’t take a nap so he doesn’t know what else to do.” We talked briefly about seeing beyond someone’s actions and trying to understand the reason why people act the way they do. During this conversation Zeke, who I had put down for a nap, was clearly not napping and became louder and louder. So, I decided to just get him out since nap time was not going to happen.

As soon as I opened the door, a pungent odor filled my nostrils, so I turned on the light to verify my initial fear. Sure enough he had taken his diaper off (my mistake as I had put him to sleep in only a diaper since we had just gotten home from the beach) and had flung feces all around the room. I walked over to the window to pull up the blackout curtains and as my eyes adjusted to the lighting in the room, I stepped on something semi-warm and squishy. “Ahhhh! Why? WHY?! WHY?!?!” I was mad at myself for putting him down unclothed and my thoughts raced to all that I had to get done and how it was going to take a long time to clean this up.

Azure and Vince ran in to see what I was hollering about and kind of stood there shocked and disgusted at the scene of poop all over the floor and smeared across the wall and crib slats. “Ewww! Why did Zekiel do that?” Vince asked. And, then I just started laughing. Luckily Vince had never done that so the last time I had to scrub poop off the crib slats was 5 yrs ago. I guess I was overdo for this. I asked Azure if she wanted to help me pick it up since she had done the same exact thing when she was a baby and I had to clean it all up. She said, “Do I have to? I was only a baby.”

As luck would have it, there was only one antibacterial wipe left. So, I texted Charlie to pick up some more on his way home from work. I picked up what I could and then laid down for a nap. Being in the sun at the beach for 2 hrs plus picking up poop had drained me. Charles is a saint and scrubbed the crib when he got home. I love him!

I’ve written some about this before but, shortly after Vince was born I felt the presence of our unborn daughter in the temple while I was doing iniatories. Vince was only about 6 wks old and I was losing my temper multiple times a day with Azure. (After Zeke was born, I struggled w/ the same thing w/ Vince.) I felt badly about it and spoke to our unborn daughter telling her that I was trying to be a better mommy and that by the time she was born I would be better.

This last year has been full of personal growth mostly due to becoming a health coach and helping other’s with their health. Before my clients start the health program they take a health quiz to find out their starting point. If you don’t know where you currently stand, then it’s hard to make a significant change towards what you want. When I took the quiz, I scored pretty high on the healthy body and healthy eating habits section, but pretty low on the healthy mind section. I obviously knew that I had been struggling, but again I came to grips that I was not “healthy.”

I made a decision that I wanted to be healthy not only for me, but for my children. After all, it was because I was so emotionally and mentally unhealthy 3 years ago, that I was unable to have another baby and then when I finally did, I miscarried. I owe it to my children to be emotionally and mentally healthy. I think all mothers need time away from their children to rejuvenate and work on their personal development in order to be a better mother. The amount of that time varies with each person and different circumstances and stages of life.

Last month there was a leadership conference called Go Global in Austin, Texas. You had to qualify to attend. In December of last year, I qualified to go but, wasn’t sure if I really wanted to.  I was struggling with the decision and felt like if I went, it meant I was choosing a career over my children. I not only coach clients, but, I’m also a mentor coach to other coaches to help them grow their business. One of my clients who is now also a coach works full-time outside the home and is hoping to do well enough w/ her coaching business so that she can quit her full-time job and be a stay-at-home-mom for the first time. She has 2 children and has never been home with them. I am excited to help her achieve that goal in the next few months.

I love Savannah because it is so wooded. It’s a city within a forest. You can find a “Sacred Grove” within a mile of wherever you are. 3 weeks before Go Global I went for a run in the woods and then sat down on a tree trunk and prayed out loud. I was trying to decide if I should go. I often receive clear answers to prayer, but this was a very special experience (probably b/c I was alone in the woods). I felt that I should go FOR my children, not in spite of them. “Take these broken wings and learn to fly,” kept coming to my mind. “This conference will help me be a better mother to my children.” So I went. And, I’m so grateful I did. There were many LDS mothers there who have many children. One of them was pregnant with her 5^th. Did I think because she came, she was choosing a career over her children? NO! Absolutely not. Then why was I putting that limitation on myself?

I want my children to know that motherhood is the highest calling and of utmost importance. And, that in order to be a good mother, you have to continually be working on yourself as a woman, and as a person. There is nothing more fulfilling in my life than being Azure, Vince, and Ezekiel's mother. Nothing.

Words can't express how much I love these precious souls. I need them just as much or maybe even more than they need me. I'm grateful for my own mother who taught me how to love and nurture through her selfless example. I'm grateful for so many women and friends (all of you!) who have taught me the eternal significance of motherhood and who have mothered me and my children. I'm also so grateful to Charles who made me a mother.

Blog killing and updates

Instagram and Facebook have killed my blog. Much like how video killed the radio-star. I fought this concept for a long time but, now I'm embracing it. I'm adapting to my new world. I am documenting my life and our children's lives through pics and short little captions on Instagram and Facebook- that is my new way of blogging. It works for me. People actually see it and comment on it and I'm able to do it on an almost daily basis. The app Rhonna Designs is mind blowing, my new way to go for sure. I do still feel a slight twinge of guilt because I was a dang good blogger for 6 yrs! I still think blogging has it's place and is the most appropriate medium for sharing in depth details.

But, my expectation to blog once a week like I used to is just unrealistic. I hope any of you who still read this are connected with me on either Facebook or Instagram so you can see the pics I post of the kids and everyday life. Moral of the story- learn to adapt.

But, while I'm blogging I will give a short update on all the kidlets.

Zekiel- 2 days shy of 14 months! He is Azure's twin. An insane amount of energy. A non-stop whirlwind. Wiggles out of my arms when I'm holding him. Tries to crawl down my back. Latches his toes into the belt loop of my pants and kicks, causing my pants to fall down. Puts his hands down my shirt and tries to expose me in public. Pulls my bra straps off my shoulder (maybe I should get a new bra). Bites my chin, pulls my hair, rubs snot and drool all over my neck and shoulder. I'm sure I'm forgetting something.

So, I'll put him down and he'll pull to a stand on my legs and pull on my pants, causing them to fall. I absolutely hate the feeling of anything pulling on my pants. And, then the screaming. He screams so loud it makes my ears ring. It is really hard to stay calm when this is happening. Dinner is the worst. I think for the most part it's just the stage he's in but, he also really needs to be taking 2 naps a day and he doesn't. He refuses an afternoon nap so I've pretty much stopped trying. Also, we are prisoners in our own home if he takes 2 naps anyway. He wakes up anywhere between 7-8am. Then we take Azure to sch, I go to the gym right after on Mon, Wed, and Fridays and then put him down around 10:30 for his nap. He usually wakes up around 12pm. Then bedtime is between 6:30-7:30 so he's up for at least 6.5 hrs after that nap. I've tried putting him down around 3pm but, he'll just cry in his crib for a bit and then play for like an hour without ever sleeping. And, then we have to pick Azure up from school at 3:30 anyways. Sometimes Charlie gets off early and can pick her up though.

His mind is exploding. He can sign dog, bird, dada, mama, and more. For the past few weeks as soon as we get out of the car and are about to go inside, we listen for birds. It's so exciting to see him search around for them and then make the sign. He actually signs "milk" b/c bird requires a bit more advanced motor skills. Both our neighbors across the street have dogs and he likes watching them and signing dog.

Thursday we went to the Bull St. library storytime which I always love, the librarian is sooo good. And, I used to take Azure there when she was 14 months- same age as Zekiel now which is crazy! That was almost 6 yrs ago! And, for the first time Zeke said hi to a random stranger and waved! He LOVED all the social interaction and was hamming it up. I think I'll start taking him every Thurs even though it's right at his nap time.

I'm nursing him 3x a day. In the morning, at nap time or when he wakes up from a nap and at bedtime. A rare occasion I will nurse him 4x. He will eat anything but, his usual staples are applesauce pouches, PB sandwhiches, and, mozzarella cheese. He doesn't really like whole milk all that much. He drinks it a few times a week.

Vince- FINALLY potty training! Hooray. He had been telling me he'd wear underwear when he turned 4 and I guess he was serious. He's even used multiple public bathrooms and has told me when he has to go. I'm so proud of him. He is so proud of himself. Such a sweet boy! I'm sad that I tried to push him when he wasn't ready yet. Children really do have their own time frame and do things naturally when they are ready. He loves that he can either go standing up or sitting down. He still has trouble putting his pants back on. Wiping is still pretty messy.

He is a bit obsessive about the TMNT so I've tried not to fuel it as much. One cute thing he told Azure last Sunday as they played was, "Do you know who's even braver than the TMNTs? Nephi!" That warmed my heart. He loves Primary and Sunbeams. He sits there reverently and soaks it all in. Once Zeke is in nursery I'll be able to sneak a peak at him in there more often.

He's very into puzzles right now. He put together a pretty small 24 piece puzzle all by himself and I was shocked- I was even having a hard time w/ it! He still stutters sometimes but, his vocabulary is growing more and more and he understands so much more than he can say. It reminds me of when I first got to Bolivia and I could understand what people were saying in Spanish especially mixed with body language and gestures but, I just couldn't say the words I needed to. It was always frustrating when people treated me like I was an idiot just b/c I couldn't say what I wanted. I imagine that is exactly how toddlers and young children feel. I'm glad I have had that experience so I can be empathetic. And, I wish I was always empathetic instead of impatient. He says, "Mommy, I love you so much," at least once a day, but, on average 5. (I counted yesterday and it was 6!) I would like to just take a trip with only him sometime. The middle child really does get the short end of the stick.

Azure- she reads about an hour a day after she gets home from school. I love it! She prefers having male friends and says she's not really friends with any of the girls in her class. I bought her a TMNT lunchbox for school b/c she said that's what she really wanted. She is adamant about not liking dolls or princesses. For Vince's birthday I took them both to see Frozen and they loved it. She said, "Even though that was a princess movie, I still liked it." I love her little tom boyish side.

She sang "When I am Baptized" with Addi last Sunday. She looked down at her music the whole time and when I asked her about it afterwards she said she did it so that she wouldn't have to look at anyone b/c that would make her nervous. She used to not be nervous so, I guess she's becoming more self-conscious. School has made her that way I think, which is sad. She cried the other night as we were debriefing and told me that the boys she usually sits next to for lunch asked her why she always sits by them. She said, "Fine, I won't ever sit by you again." And, then went and sat alone.

We talked about how she could look for others who were also sitting alone and feeling sad. Luckily she doesn't hold grudges for very long because she said she sat by them again a few days later and they didn't say anything about it.

Charlie- enjoying working full-time doing stewardship and running like crazy. He just ran a half and will do a 50K in June. Yes, that's 31.1 miles. Wow! He's pretty incredible. He just got back from a snowboarding trip with the Young Men and had a blast. 

Me- I ran my fastest 5k ever on Fri. Jan. 31st. 23:30!!! I was shocked. I feel really empowered and know that I can do anything I set my mind to, which I honestly have not really believed before. My business is going extremely well. I have helped my clients lose over 600 lbs now. I've also helped some get off cholesterol and high blood meds, and one of my clients no longer has to use her CPAP machine for sleep apnea. The personal development has been huge. My clients and co-workers are so inspiring and being around inspiring people rubs off and makes me more optimistic. And, we've been able to pay off our debt faster than we anticipated! Feels good to be not only physically and emotionally healthy, but also financially healthy. The future is bright! The day to day tends to be stressful but, we are happy and in a good stage of life.

 Christina, my client and friend who's lost over 100 lbs. So happy that I've been able to help her!

I love Azure Marie

Tonight as is customary, Azure came into my room after she was done reading and said, "Good night, Mom." Then she preceded to tell me that she had put her clothes out and made her lunch so that we "won't be so stressed out in the morning". She makes me proud.

Today we received a letter that she was accepted to the gifted program at school. I hope that will give her some great opportunities to further develop her talents.

I have been climbing up on her top bunk every night that I can to have some pillow talk with her. She told me that "I Know When I am Baptized" is her favorite song. She paused as she was explaining why and said, "Every time I hear that song, I just feel....I don't know how to explain it."

She asked me if "pregnant" was an inappropriate word. I guess I still say "baby in my tummy" but, she is growing up and can handle the word "pregnant" now. No, I'm not pregnant by the way :)

For Family Home Evening last night Charles taught a fabulous lesson on Martin Luther King. When I said that I was grateful to him for being courageous she responded with, "Like Nephi?" Yes, like Nephi. I hope she will be courageous and stand up for what is right, especially when others are not but, think they are. Things are getting confusing. As Julie Beck said, us parents need to be "brillant in the basics." Our goal is to teach doctrine clearly and simply. There should be no question as in what is right or wrong. Gratefully we have a prophet today who has taught us the true doctrine on the family. Reading and studying the Family Proclamation will be something we focus on a lot.

I asked her what she wanted for her birthday since Vince's birthday is coming up. She said she wants me to sleep with her in her bed. Such a sweetie. I will do that. She also wants her ears pierced.

She is one of my best friends. I love the person she is becoming and who she has always been. I need her so much to become the woman and mother the Lord intends for me to be.

Year in Review

Vince and Azure both took gymnastics classes in Oct and Nov. Vince did really well, it made me think that he'd probably do great in preschool in the Fall. 2 or 3 days a week from 9a-12p. I'm gonna pray about it.

Ward Trunk or Treat

Charles is wearing my shirt, jacket, and sunglasses. Kind of disturbing. Crazy that he fits in my clothes, though they are a bit big on me.

He likes to kick me in the jugular while I nurse him.

Vince does a good job of fulfilling both roles as big brother and little brother :)

He sounded this word out all on his own!

Halloween Preschool activity

2nd tooth lost!

My 3 babes looking out on the world.

1st loose tooth- Oct Conference Weekend

Beautiful Fall day at Forsyth

Typical

Got a new spiraler for my half bday. Now we can make yummy zucchini pasta all the time. This is one of our favorite go-to meals with lemon chicken on the side. A perfect lean and green.

Azure wanted to try out Tae-Kwon-Do. It was a lot of yelling and bit awkward for her so this was her one and only class. But, her and Vince can't stop talking about it, even still almost 3 months after the fact. And, they love doing the "moves" they learned just from this one day.

Another lovely Fall day on Bluff Dr. We could stay forever in Savannah if only we could buy a home on Bluff Dr and have a dock and boat in our front yard.

October was the month trying new things. 1st it was soccer at the YMCA. Didn't like the coach. Then, Tae-Kwon-Do. Finally, we chose gymnastics.

He loves flying high "like a bird". Happy to have a membership to the YMCA again :)

Sushi date night. Charles and I have been pretty good about going on monthly dates this year. These were bomb!

With me working now, the house is mostly always a mess even worse than when I wasn't working. Sheesh.

Labor Day at the Army Pool w/ the Saavedras.

Vince is one funny man.

Father/son sandwich time

On the way to the temple. I love that she wants to wear a dress. She read so much this summer. So proud of her!

 And, she helped feed Zeke puffs. If he has something in his mouth, he doesn't scream as much ;)

While Charles and I take turns going in, the kids play in this room at the bookstore across the street from the temple.

Our Columbia, SC temple. We try to go once a month. We didn't quite make it every month, but we did pretty well considering the 5 hr round-trip car ride w/ 3 kids.

My mom sent this puzzle for Vince and he did it all by himself!

I was so impressed! And, he was so proud!

This was the only time I ever vaccuumed with Zeke attached to me in the sling so we had to capture it on camera.

Open house meeting Azure's teacher. What a huge milestone for us!

Late afternoon beach trip right before school starts.

I had a great time at my health coaching convention in Nashville in July and found out this girl served in Bolivia, too with my MTC companion. Always a small, Mormon world. I love it!

She read lots from the Magic Treehouse Series this summer.

Kassidy's baptism day. Charles home teaches her mom and Kassidy asked him to baptize her. We love taking the kids to see baptisms.

Ice cream at Leopold's in a huge rainstorm!

Last day of art camp for my sweet little artist.

It was weird having just the boys while Azure was in art camp. Now, of course that she's in school, we're totally used to it, but this week of running errands with only 2 felt strange.

I miss his curly locks. This boy melts my heart!

He hated this jumper. Think he only went in it a handful of times. Azure hated it, too. Vince was the only one who liked it.

4th of July with the Saavedras. They are our pseudo family. We pretty much spend every holiday with them. So grateful for them!

Classic arch-your-back-skirmy-baby.

4th of July is not the same w/o some sort of flag cake or trifle.

Vince was really scared of these "big fireworks". He stayed in the car and cried b/c it was too loud. This is at Daffin park right down the street from us.

Vince was really struggling and this sweet boy came to help him :)

Our basil did so well this year.

Perfection. Turkey on toasted ciabatta with melted cheese, avocado, tomato, fresh basil, and drizzled with Udo's oil or EVOO.

"Mommy, take a picture of me doing this."

"And, this."

So happy to get his TMNT sheets. Seeing them in May at the Nickelodeon suites was a major event in his life :)