Pregnancy #8

I am 16 weeks along with our 4th baby. I am so grateful that we've made it this far. I am still nervous about having another miscarriage so I've had ultrasounds every week the first few weeks and now every 2 weeks until I can start feeling the baby move more consistently.

We got to see him again this morning (Azure and Zeke came along) and hear his heartbeat. Azure loved seeing his little feet move. Such a relief! I'm pretty much out of the woods now, yet I am still anxious having had 4 miscarriages.

I'm still processing my feelings of losing our twins in our last pregnancy this past August. I had a feeling it was one girl and one boy. And, because I have felt the presence of our unborn daughter since April 2010, I figured it was Azalea who was coming, but it's a boy. And, it's been hard to understand since I am 99% sure this will be our last child. I don't feel like I could handle 5. I'm not sure how I'll handle 4!!  And, 5 kids is a lot. I've learned since having children that I'm not a "kid person". I highly value my alone time and lots of kids underfoot needing things from me is not good for my mental health. So, I'm left pondering- do we just wait until the millennium to have Azalea? Is it some kind of test of faith to see if we should indeed have 5? I'm not even completely sure it would be her next time. What if it were another boy? I feel like God values my agency and allows me to make a choice. So, what do I choose? Sigh. Kinda heavy topics...

I already found a doula! For so long, not having viable pregnancies, I haven't even thought about birth, but as soon as we had our ultrasound at 14 weeks and things looked good, I let myself go there and it felt good. Some of you may remember long ago, I used to really love all things birth related. But, I must say that I became disillusioned with birth fanatics especially those from the "natural" birth camp. I know that birth is an important and sacred event, but they put so much pressure and value on it as if everything about your relationship with that child depends on your birth experience with them. B.S. I just couldn't stand their extremity or their narrow-minded view anymore. But, I still love doulas and definitely need the emotional and physical support during labor, so I am happy to have found one. There are so many more options here in Boise than there were in Savannah which is so nice. 

I am looking forward to giving birth to this baby boy. Birth has been difficult for me and it brings up abandonment issues and PTSD, but it is also so exhilarating and awe-inspiring. I am so grateful that I get to do it again.

My not-so-little girl

We are entering in a new stage of life. This year Azure is in the 5th grade. She has a male teacher and I'm so glad. Something about having a teacher of the opposite gender at that age gives you confidence. Not sure if it's the same way for boys. I had a male teacher in 6th grade for only a few months, Mr. Martinez, and he was so fun. He had this vibe that just naturally quelled girl drama in our classroom. Unfortunately, he got another job and we got a new female teacher who started off unhappy with the whole setup coming in late and all and it was just an awful year all around.

It's a hard time of life when you want to be a little more grown up, but are still a child. When you feel all sorts of different emotions at once and you're not sure which one to act on. When you feel like no one understands you.

We're gearing up for these years- planning lots of one-on-one time, daddy-daughter dates, mommy-daughter dates. Homeschool for the middle school years is an option we're highly considering to instill more confidence and a slower pace of life, less competition and distraction to focus on things that truly matter- the gospel, faith, family, service, relationships.

She's been wanting a new bike so we decided that she could earn money by baking because she loves to bake cornbread. I gave her a pumpkin bread recipe while I was working on my lesson for church and she did the whole thing. It came out amazing! So, it was decided that she could sell the loaves she baked to earn money. So wonderful to watch her learn the value of work.  We bought her new mountain bike yesterday!

This summer she got into watching Charlie play Zelda much to my chagrin and started playing herself. Apparently some of her friends play too and they've been talking about the game and coming over to play. I've had to accept the fact that my daughter is a bit of a gamer and that it's something she enjoys. Parenthood is hard sometimes haha.

Hard to believe our little cub has been alive for a whole decade already. She is still one of my best friends and I love her so!

The Mother's Day That Changed My Life

Mother’s Day evokes lots of emotions. Five years ago, the day before Mother’s Day, a “friend” of mine handed me a parenting book. She said that she had been observing me the last few months and that it was painful for her to watch me interact with my daughter, who was three at the time.  I was completely dumbfounded. The last few months that she had been “observing” me I had been struggling. My husband was doing rotations for Pharmacy School in another state, leaving me a single mother to take care of two small children. I didn’t have many close friends and was lacking in emotional support. My family lived over 2,000 miles away on the other side of the country. I sometimes went days without talking to an adult besides my husband on the phone or on the weekends when he’d come home from North Carolina.

Yes, I admit my three year old and I went head to head frequently. Her stubbornness exceeded mine and we often had power struggles especially as she became more and more articulate. My second child, who had been extremely calm the first year of his life all the sudden became very  demanding and clingy after turning one. My patience was stretched so thin, I often felt as if my entire being had completely disappeared. I didn’t know who I was. I had lost myself in motherhood. Since my husband was gone, I could pray aloud and I often wept as I prayed to God to help me. I hated that I lost my temper daily and that I yelled. I had hoped that after enduring that in my own childhood that I would be better. But, I wasn’t and I was so shameful and disappointed in myself.  

To make a long story short, that was the worst Mother’s Day I have ever had. For a long time after this incident I put up walls around me. It’s one of the most painful experiences that I’ve had (this is only the shortened version) and I didn’t want to open myself up again to “friends” who were taking notes on all my parenting flaws. Sometimes I still struggle with social anxiety, especially when my children are misbehaving in public and I feel like all eyes are on me. I’m so grateful for true friends who love me and when they see me struggle with a child, they come to my aid and help distract or just put their arms around me and tell me they’ve been there, that they understand, that parenting is hard, and just listen to my frustrations instead of handing me a parenting book.

Five years have past and this Mother’s Day is so strikingly different. I awoke this morning to my husband making me breakfast in our new home that we just bought two months ago. My daughter who is now eight, set the table for me with my favorite plate and her and my now 6 year old son laid out all the gifts they had made me in school on the table. My three year son ran into my room with just his diaper on, his blonde curls bouncing in the morning sunlight.

Over the past five years, I’ve grown into motherhood and am more confident about my role. I understand myself better and am more vocal about what I can and can’t handle. I schedule time for myself and take breaks from my children. That doesn’t mean I don’t love them. In fact, it means that I love them too much to give them a ragged spiritually and emotionally distraught mother. I want them to have the best of me. And, for that to happen, I have to have time alone every day. I am finding my place. I realize now that there are different seasons in motherhood. Some seasons are less demanding than others.

So, on this Mother’s Day if you find yourself lacking and feeling guilty for not being the mother you’ve always wanted, I say with Jeffrey Holland, an apostle of Jesus Christ, “Be peaceful. Believe in God and yourself. You are doing better than you think you are.”

This experience has made me more empathetic to mothers who are struggling and feel overwhelmed. Instead of judging and critiquing, let us lift each other up. “No love in mortality comes closer to approximating the pure love of Jesus Christ than the selfless love a devoted mother has for her child.” And, when that love is tested and at times becomes unbearable, let us encourage one another.

3 SIMPLE THINGS YOU CAN DO RIGHT NOW FOR INCREASED ENERGY & WEIGHT LOSS

Here are 3 things you can do starting NOW for increased energy and weight loss.

1) Eat a high protein breakfast within 1 hour of waking up. Food is fuel. Get your metabolism going.

2) Continue to eat protein/carb balanced meals (just as much protein as carbs) every 2-3 hours throughout the day to keep your blood sugar balanced and metabolism revved up. Don’t go over 3 hours without eating.

3) Drink at least half your body weight in ounces of water. Get a water bottle you like to keep track. Guzzle down 20-30 oz within an hour of waking up. The earlier you get your water in, the better.

Healthy Italian Wedding Soup

Total time: 1 hr 15 minPrep: 30 min
Cook: 45 min

Yield: 8 servings
Level: Easy

Ingredients

For the meatballs:
1 1/2 pounds of ground meat (turkey/beef/chicken)
2/3 cup fresh bread crumbs
2 teaspoons minced garlic (2 cloves)
3 tablespoons chopped fresh basil leaves
1/4 cup freshly grated Pecorino Romano
1/4 cup freshly grated Parmesan, plus extra for serving
3 tablespoons milk
1 egg, lightly beaten
1 teaspoon red pepper flakes
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper

For the soup:

2 tablespoons olive oil
1 cup minced yellow onion
1 cup diced carrots (3 carrots), cut into 1/4 inch pieces
3/4 cup diced celery (2 stalks), cut into 1/4 inch pieces
10 cups chicken broth
1/2 cup balsamic vinegar
1/2 cup red quinoa
12 ounces baby spinach, washed and trimmed
1 lemon

Instructions: 

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

For the meatballs, place the ground meat, bread crumbs, garlic, basil, Pecorino, Parmesan, milk, egg, dash of salt, 1/2 teaspoon red pepper flakes, and 1/2 teaspoon pepper in a bowl and combine gently with a fork. With a teaspoon, drop 1 to 1 1/4-inch meatballs onto a sheet pan lined with parchment paper. (You should have about 40 meatballs. They don’t have to be perfectly round.) Bake for 30 minutes, until cooked through and lightly browned. Set aside.

In the meantime, for the soup, heat the olive oil over medium-low heat in a large heavy-bottomed soup pot. Add the onion, carrots, and celery and saute until softened, 5 to 6 minutes, stirring occasionally. Add the chicken stock and bring to a boil. Add the quinoa to the simmering broth and cook for 10 minutes, until the quinoa spiralizes. Add 1/2 cup of balsamic vinegar and then the meatballs to the soup and simmer for 1 minute. Taste for salt and pepper. Stir in the fresh spinach and cook for 1 minute, until the spinach is just wilted. Ladle into soup bowls and sprinkle each serving with extra grated Parmesan and a squirt of lemon juice.

Recipe adapted from Ina Garten.

Citrus Basil Strawberry Chia Jam

Makes 2 12 oz jars.

Ingredients

4 cups of clean, hulled strawberries

2-3 TBS chia seeds

2 TBS honey

1/2 tsp stevia

1-2 large basil leaves

2-3 segments of a sweet mandarin (I love Satsumas & Honey)

Instructions

Place everything into a blender. Blend until smooth consistency and then pour into jars. Place in refrigerator.

Notes

If you add 3 or more orange segments, make sure to add 3 TBS chia. The chia seeds act like pectin and will gel in the fridge, making it a thicker consistency. If you love basil, go ahead and add more leaves  Our family uses this as a mix in for plain Greek yogurt, as a topping on German pancakes, and even in smoothies. Enjoy!

Zekiel turns 3 and a half

An update on Zekiel who recently turned 3 1/2. 3 has been a good age! Lots of improvement from age 1 and 2 which were hard, hard, hard. The biggest thing has been learning about his sensory issues. I wish I had been able to identify them earlier, it would have helped our relationship. He needs almost constant movement as a sensory seeker and we just didn't know. It makes so much sense now.

He started a specialized preschool in January. He'll go back in August. Tues-Fri 8:30am-12pm. It's been a game changer for our relationship. I've needed a break for the last 2 years. In January 2015 I started putting him in day care once a week but that only lasted 2 months since we moved to Boise. I am so grateful that he gets the stimulation he needs and that I get a break. I am much more patient with him when we get regular breaks from each other :)

This past week he's been "doing his workbook" since Azure and Vince have some summer ones they are working on. That involves him talking out loud about what he sees in the pictures and making up a story. It is the cutest. I remember Azure doing this before turning 2. Vince probably around 2 1/2. It is so fulfilling to see Zeke's verbal skills develop. He loves to sing songs and read books. Tonight before bed I sat in his room and watched him play with his letters from the Letter Factory song box he has. He asked me what every letter was and then put it in and listened to the song. He kept asking, "What's this? A for turtle?" for about 10 different letters. On one of them I said, "That's a P for....." I was trying to think of a word he'd recognize that starts with P and he blurted out, "Popcorn!" It is so heart warming for me to connect with him like that! Like we're really communicating, like we really understand each other. With all the frustration, times like these have been hard to come by. I am so grateful for this connection.

He also started going to Sunbeams in January so he's been expected to sit for short periods of time and follow directions. He's getting better. I'm getting better.

Sure love this face! And, those curls. And, his heart. I thank God for keeping His promise to me and giving my baby back to me on Christmas Day. Truly one of the best gifts I've ever been given <3 p="">