After Azure was born it was pretty apparent that motherhood
was a refining process and that had I not had the opportunity to bare children,
I would not learn the lessons I needed to, to return home to my Heavenly
Father. Now, I know that is not a requirement to return to heaven, but I felt
it was for me personally.
I am not a patient person generally and I am quick to anger
and irritation. What better way to learn patience than by having children and
dealing with incessant whining, screaming, spills, messes, and a slew of bodily
functions?! I admit that I actually don’t know how much more patient I am now
as a mother of 3 than I was of 1 or even before I had children at all. But, I
think and I sure hope that it has improved. Many times I ask in my prayers to
help me remember that our children are just children.
On Tuesday Azure came to me frustrated about a quarrel with
Vince. “He’s hitting me and not being nice.” “Do you know why he’s doing that?”
I asked. “He’s tired and won’t take a nap so he doesn’t know what else to do.”
We talked briefly about seeing beyond someone’s actions and trying to
understand the reason why people act the way they do. During this conversation
Zeke, who I had put down for a nap, was clearly not napping and became louder
and louder. So, I decided to just get him out since nap time was not going to
happen.
As soon as I opened the door, a pungent odor filled my
nostrils, so I turned on the light to verify my initial fear. Sure enough he
had taken his diaper off (my mistake as I had put him to sleep in only a diaper
since we had just gotten home from the beach) and had flung feces all around
the room. I walked over to the window to pull up the blackout curtains and as
my eyes adjusted to the lighting in the room, I stepped on something semi-warm
and squishy. “Ahhhh! Why? WHY?! WHY?!?!” I was mad at myself for putting him
down unclothed and my thoughts raced to all that I had to get done and how it
was going to take a long time to clean this up.
Azure and Vince ran in to see what I was hollering about and
kind of stood there shocked and disgusted at the scene of poop all over the
floor and smeared across the wall and crib slats. “Ewww! Why did Zekiel do
that?” Vince asked. And, then I just started laughing. Luckily Vince had never
done that so the last time I had to scrub poop off the crib slats was 5 yrs
ago. I guess I was overdo for this. I asked Azure if she wanted to help me pick
it up since she had done the same exact thing when she was a baby and I had to
clean it all up. She said, “Do I have to? I was only a baby.”
As luck would have it, there was only one antibacterial wipe
left. So, I texted Charlie to pick up some more on his way home from work. I
picked up what I could and then laid down for a nap. Being in the sun at the
beach for 2 hrs plus picking up poop had drained me. Charles is a saint and
scrubbed the crib when he got home. I love him!
I’ve written some about this before but, shortly after Vince
was born I felt the presence of our unborn daughter in the temple while I was
doing iniatories. Vince was only about 6 wks old and I was losing my temper
multiple times a day with Azure. (After Zeke was born, I struggled w/ the same
thing w/ Vince.) I felt badly about it and spoke to our unborn daughter telling
her that I was trying to be a better mommy and that by the time she was born I
would be better.
This last year has been full of personal growth mostly due
to becoming a health coach and helping other’s with their health. Before my
clients start the health program they take a health quiz to find out their
starting point. If you don’t know where you currently stand, then it’s hard to
make a significant change towards what you want. When I took the quiz, I scored
pretty high on the healthy body and healthy eating habits section, but pretty
low on the healthy mind section. I obviously knew that I had been struggling,
but again I came to grips that I was not “healthy.”
I made a decision that I wanted to be healthy not only for
me, but for my children. After all, it was because I was so emotionally and
mentally unhealthy 3 years ago, that I was unable to have another baby and then
when I finally did, I miscarried. I owe it to my children to be emotionally and
mentally healthy. I think all mothers need time away from their children to
rejuvenate and work on their personal development in order to be a better
mother. The amount of that time varies with each person and different
circumstances and stages of life.
Last month there was a leadership conference called Go
Global in Austin, Texas. You had to qualify to attend. In December of last
year, I qualified to go but, wasn’t sure if I really wanted to. I was struggling with the decision and felt
like if I went, it meant I was choosing a career over my children. I not only
coach clients, but, I’m also a mentor coach to other coaches to help them grow
their business. One of my clients who is now also a coach works full-time
outside the home and is hoping to do well enough w/ her coaching business so
that she can quit her full-time job and be a stay-at-home-mom for the first
time. She has 2 children and has never been home with them. I am excited to
help her achieve that goal in the next few months.
I love Savannah because it is so wooded. It’s a city within
a forest. You can find a “Sacred Grove” within a mile of wherever you are. 3
weeks before Go Global I went for a run in the woods and then sat down on a
tree trunk and prayed out loud. I was trying to decide if I should go. I often
receive clear answers to prayer, but this was a very special experience
(probably b/c I was alone in the woods). I felt that I should go FOR my
children, not in spite of them. “Take these broken wings and learn to fly,”
kept coming to my mind. “This conference will help me be a better mother to my
children.” So I went. And, I’m so grateful I did. There were many LDS mothers
there who have many children. One of them was pregnant with her 5th.
Did I think because she came, she was choosing a career over her children? NO!
Absolutely not. Then why was I putting that limitation on myself?
I want my children to know that motherhood is the highest
calling and of utmost importance. And, that in order to be a good mother, you
have to continually be working on yourself as a woman, and as a person. There
is nothing more fulfilling in my life than being Azure, Vince, and Ezekiel's mother. Nothing.
Words can't express how much I love these precious souls. I need them
just as much or maybe even more than they need me. I'm grateful for my own
mother who taught me how to love and nurture through her selfless
example. I'm grateful for so many women and friends (all of you!) who have taught me
the eternal significance of motherhood and who have mothered me and my
children. I'm also so grateful to Charles who made me a mother.
